


coherence

by silkbonnet



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24436819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkbonnet/pseuds/silkbonnet
Summary: HIATUS :)
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 103
Kudos: 283





	1. games

**Author's Note:**

> rewatched the show from s1 and decided i wanted more for maya and carina so here we are. 
> 
> this picks up from season 2×10, after the subway episode but events greatly differ.

The bar is crowded, more so than usual and getting through it is annoying. Exactly 8 people bump into Maya and beer sloshes onto her hands, leaving them sticky as she sits at their table. 

"Took you long enough," Andy says with a smile, grabbing a bottle.

"Okay, ungrateful. You could have gotten your own you know?" Maya narrows her eyes but smiles.

"But you so nicely offered to buy drinks for all of us-"

"That was two beers ago-"

"And how could I say no to an offer like that?" Andy smirks and Maya suppresses an eye roll, instead takes a sip of her drink and scans the room.

There's a woman at the bar drinking with friends and she laughs, tossing her head back and revealing her face. She's pretty and it takes Maya longer than she would freely admit to look away.

"Well, I think the beers are great, thanks Maya." Jack says with an exaggerated grin and Maya knows he's putting her on but she plays along.

"You're welcome, Jack. See Andy, that is how you respond to free drinks!" Maya laughs at Andy's affronted look, and glances back at the bar. The woman is still there, chatting animatedly with a curly haired woman... a girlfriend maybe? Maya watches her for a moment, then tears her eyes away. It's been a while. Clearly.

"... gotta say this whole 'you two being friends thing', is really weird," Andy says, bringing Maya back to the conversation.

"Well, the whole potentially dangerous outbreak situation was tough and he handled it better than I thought he would."

"Uh, _he_ is right here,"Jack scoffs, "also, thanks... I think?"

Maya laughs, takes a fry off Andy's plate and makes a face when she bites into it. It's cold and soggy but she finishes it anyway.

"Anyway, it turns out Maya's not some Russian robot after all." He says the last bit in a stage whisper and Andy laughs then looks at Maya sheepishly. Maya takes a sip of her drink to hide her own smirk.

"Ass!"

Maya had never been shy about her disdain for Jack, and after the dissolution of his and Andy's relationship she had even less of a reason to pretend to like him. The subway changed things though. He was efficient and handled things. Maya's never really expected much from Jack, actually, she's always sort of thought of him as a livewire. Too spontaneous and rowdy and she couldn't really believe it when he became lieutenant but he proved her wrong.

They've had a few laughs and sure she enjoys a little back and forth with him but friends is still a stretch.

"Hey... you wanna play darts?" Andy asks suddenly and there's a pinkness to her cheeks that lets Maya know that she's not entirely sober.

"Why do you always want to play darts when you're drunk?"

"You've noticed that too?" Jack says, sneaking a sip of Andy's beer.

Andy slaps his hand away and pokes him in the shoulder. "First of all, not drunk, and second, don't try and distract me just because you're scared to lose. Third, this is why you guys can't be friends, no ganging up on me."

"I'm not scared, I'm good at darts," Maya says. "You, though, are drunk and you're going to be bored in like 5 minutes."

"Great so we'll play for five minutes then," Andy grins, picks up her drink and makes her way to the back of the bar.

"So is it just me or has Andy been... more..." Jack trails off and gestures towards Andy, who is currently chatting with Vic and Travis at the back. She's holding the darts and gesturing wildly with them until Travis covers her hands with his.

"Breezy?" Maya supplies and Jack nods.

"Yeah."

"Yep, well consistent sex will do that for you." Maya says this without thinking and maybe she's a little drunk too because all too late she remembers that Jack is Andy's ex. She risks a glance at him but he doesn't look mad. In fact, he doesn't look any different.

"You know?"

Jack nods. "Yeah. We talked before you showed up. Told me all about her and Tanner."

"Oh. How was that for you?"

It sounds awkward even to her own ears and she grimaces a little. She's great at pep talks but whatever this is isn't that and she and Jack don't really do the whole pep talk thing. They barely do the talking thing.

Jack gives her a sidelong look and chuckles. "I mean it wasn't great but we want different things. I get that. She's an adult and we're over, she can do whatever she wants. Sucks that it has to be Tanner though, he's so tightly wound. All the time."

"Right." Maya takes a sip of her beer and tries to think of more to say. Honestly, this is more than she expected from Jack but he's being really mature about this so Maya has to give him some credit.

"Yeah, well... Uh, sorry. I know you liked her a lot." It's the best she's got.

Jack laughs at her attempt. "Wow you are _so_ bad at this. Wanna go play darts now?"

"God, yes." 

* * *

"Wait how much is that now?"

"'One hundred bucks!" Vic yells. She holds up the bills in front of Jack and Dean's faces, gloating as they look on with identical frowns.

"Next time boys, don't make bets you can't win." Andy says with a hiccup. Vic takes her drink away and mouths 'no more,' to Maya who just laughs and nods.

The darts had been been fun and quickly turned into a game of men versus women. Not the most original game ever but always fun. Adding money had been the next natural step and three rounds and a hundred dollars later, the guys were finally tired of losing.

" 'Kay well, I'm all darted out," Dean says holding up his hands.

"Same. But I gotta get my money back." Jack says. "We're not all rich like you, sir money bags."

Dean punches him lightly and he grabs his shoulder, making a face like it hurts but the laughing kind of ruins it.

"I'm game." Maya says.

Vic nods. "Same. But we've played pool and darts and that's pretty much all this bar has so unless you're up for bar hopping I don't think there's really more we can do."

"Besides Maya will kick your ass anyway," Andy smirks as the boys try to defend themsleves.

"She's kind of right." Travis says.

"Yeah. You're like... a tiny machine." Dean adds and Maya rolls her eyes.

"Thank you! A tiny evil robot."Jack adds and any bad feelings Maya had about taking their money completely fades.

"Not my fault you all suck at basic bar games. Maybe pay attention next game, you'll learn something." She's totally gloating now but they deserve it. They had been cocky about the pool and darts. And Maya is competitive as hell and loves to win so really it's their own fault for challenging her.

"Did she just?"

"I think she did."

"You're lucky there're no more games because we would totally take you to town right now!" Travis says, then frowns. "Heard it the minute I said it."

They all laugh and Maya gathers the rest of the darts to put them back. When she returns it's just Jack and Vic. Andy is in the bathroom and Travis is speaking to some guy at the bar while Dean talks on the phone.

"Dude, stop asking for your money back. It's not happening." Vic waves a 20 dollar bill in Jack's face and Maya laughs at his pained expression.

"Jack still whining about his money?"

"Yep. And he needs to stop, cause he's never getting it back."

Jack swipes the last of Vic's chicken wings as some kind of revenge for the cash, maybe, and Vic sticks her tongue out at him.

There's a moment of silence as they all take sips of their drinks and then Jack speaks up.

"Y'know, I've got another game we could play."

Maya's head snaps, despite herself because at her core she loves a challenge.

"Sure."

Vic nods and leans on the table. "What game? 'Cause they're all out of stuff to do he-"

"I don't mean that kind of game." Jack points to the bar, "I mean that kind of game."

It takes the ladies a moment to get it and when they do they scoff.

"Seriously?" they both say turning to look at Jack who only shrugs.

There's a pause and then Vic says, "well, as much as I love a challenge I'm kind of a loser by default here so count me out."

Jack turns to Maya. "You up for it?"

And maybe it's the drinks in her system or just the fact that she wants to wipe that self-important grin off Jack's face but Maya agrees.

"Fine. But don't make it weird."

"This is gonna be so great." Vic says, grinning widely. She looks between them and laughs at the serious looks on their faces. "Ohh can I pick the lady?"

"Yeah, okay."

"That sounds fair."

She follows Vic's finger and sees that where she's pointing. It's the woman from earlier. She's alone now, sipping on a glass of wine. Her jacket's off and she's wearing a red top that fits really well. 

"Looks like Maya approves," Vic teases and Maya glares at her.

"Shut up," Maya says but she can't deny the blush on her cheeks and she turns to hide it.

Jack glances at the bar and then nods. "Yeah, okay. She's hot."

Vic and Maya both roll their eyes at him.

"Men are so easy," Vic says with a smirk.

Maya sits at the table and Jack and Vic join her. Andy comes out of the washroom and hops on a stool.

"What's up?"

"Jack and Maya are going to hit on a girl and see who she likes better."

Andy nods slowly. "Huh."

"Yep." Vic pauses, "wait is this anti-feminist of us?"

"What? Of course not, in fact it would be anti feminist to assume that...." Jack stops when he sees all the women glaring at him.

"Anyway," Maya says, "I mean sure, it's probably not like the _most_ feminist thing ever but we can, I don't know. Donate to the women's march or something after. It'll balance out."

They all crack up and Jack just looks unsure like he's not sure if he should be laughing or not.

"Yeah I'm not sure that works out the way you think but I'll take it!" Vic produces a pen from somewhere, pulls out a menu and flips it over. "Okay, rules?"

Maya and Jack look at each other and shrug.

"Okay how about, don't be weird or pushy, like if she's not into it back off. Oh! And no cheap lines?"

"But then how will Jack talk to her!" Maya says with a gasp and the other women laugh while Jack frowns.

"Fine," he says begrudgingly, "but then no bringing up the Olympics."

"What, why?"

It's her best move, and sure it can come of as braggy but most of the time it works like a charm.

Jack just rolls his eyes. "If you get to bring up the Olympics then I'm bringing up the year I did with Habitat for Humanity."

"Oh, bullshit!"

"Guys!" Vic interrupts before they can really get into it.

They turn to her and blink in unison and it's a little funny but Vic tries to hide her laughter. The whole situation is ridiculous enough.

"Okay, fine Maya no gold medals and Jack no bringing up your questionable time with Habitat."

"It wasn't questionable-"

"-who goes first?"

"Me." Maya says and Jack opens his mouth but then shrugs.

"Whatever. I'm sure I'll be a relief to her after she has to get through your ego."

"Wow, already with the insults you must be really nervous." Maya pats him on the head and tosses him a fake smile, "I'll be sure to ask if she has a friend."

She gets up to leave before Jack can reply but she can hear the girls laughing at Jack and she knows she looks really smug but she can't help it.

The woman at the bar is texting and Maya tosses her hair over her shoulder and takes a seat next to her. She's about to speak up whe the woman looks up and sends a brilliant smile her way.

She's gorgeous.


	2. crushin'

Introductions are quick.

Maya offers her name and so does she, along with another gorgeous smile. Her name is Carina DeLuca, and she's a doctor at Grey Sloan. She recognizes Maya from the hospital, from a call earlier that day and there are no rules about using the firefighter angle so Maya goes for it. The hero thing is tried and true and sure enough, by the end of a story about a kid who had had to be resuced from the roof of his house,(hide-n-seek gone wrong) Carina leans in, fixes Maya with a look and sips her drink with what Maya can only call _intent_ and then....

The booth they end up in isn't in full view of the bar but it's close enough that she can see Jack and Vic's stunned faces from her periphery. It's barely been 10 minutes, and sure that was fast, but this is hardly Maya's first go at it.

Or Carina's, clearly.

Her hands are expertly placed at her waist and she kisses Maya deeply, soothing sharp nips on her lips with smooth licks of her tongue and when she tangles a hand in her hair, Maya feels like maybe Carina had a grasp on the plot the whole time. She feels slightly handled, but just as quickly decides she doesn't care, not if this is the result. She pulls back reluctantly, to ask, breathlessly, if she wants to get out of there and at Carina's eager nod, calls them an uber. 

The whole thing with Jack almost slips Maya's mind, but the bewildered look on his face as she leaves with Carina brings it back. She would like to say she doesn't send a smug, satisfied grin his way but she is just not that evolved. 

He rolls his eyes and later he sends her a text that just says, 'geez bishop' with tons of emojis she can't make sense of but assumes are positive?(lots of smiley faces in sunglasses...)It pleasantly surprises her. She had expected something more in the vein of, 'i would have totally had that' or delusions that if he had gone first things would be different. 

Jack and his games are the last thing on her mind as she stumbles into an uber behind Carina.They are both slightly drunk and their driver, a stocky woman in her 50's is unimpressed by their giggly antics. They manage to keep their hands to themselves (barely), and Maya gives her a huge tip for putting up with them (and to ensure she keeps her 4.5 rating).

Maya has barely unlocked the the front door when Carina kisses her again. She uses her height to her advantage, brackets Maya between herself and the wall, kisses her while expertly unbuttoning her jeans. The sex is explosive, the hesitant fumbling of new hookups no where to be found. There's a gentleness to Carina's actions that contradicts her obvious experience and Maya appreciates it. Her most recent partners, while not lacking are no where near as attentive as Carina.

They start in the living room and find their way to the bedroom, almost two hours later, spent and sated. They had explored each others bodies to spectacular effect and even as she calls Carina an uber, she knows she's going to be reaching out again, if only for a repeat of the nights events.

That had been the plan, anyway, but other than falling in bed again two days later, they haven't had time to meet up again. A week goes by, and other than fleeting 'hellos' when Maya's on aid car and ends up at the hospital, they don't see each other in person.

They've been keeping up with each other, and quick texts about schedules and timing have give way to something more, something past polite small talk and cursory 'heys' to actual conversation. 

Carina tells her about Italy, about how she misses it some days but then can't imagine being anywhere else but Seattle, on other days.

She mixes up words sometimes and uses European versions of other words and Maya rarely corrects her because— and she will never admit it, she finds it very endearing.

She finds herself telling Carina things, too. Like how she has been running since she was a kid but she actually wanted to be a gymnast. They talk about the places they've been and where they want to go and she doesn't feel pressure or anything, it just feels nice. 

Carina is beautiful, yes, but also funny and witty and impossibly smart. She tells Maya about her day an her co-workers antics and Maya finds herself responding in kind. They chat and joke and send each other silly things and try as she might, Maya can't come up with a reason to let this fade.

* * *

It's been a busy day, lots of walk ins and phone calls and Maya doesn't get to send more than a quick hello to Carina. There's a call 15 minutes before end of shift, a fire at a plaza and while the building gets completely torched, they manage to save everyone, including 5 toddlers and Maya was the one to carry out 3 of them.

The whole team is buzzing with high energy, glad to have a good end to their long shift and they make plans for drinks, despite the late hour. Maya heads to the stalls immediately, takes a shower is ready before everyone else but there's still adrenaline coursing through her body. She checks her phone, sees a message from Carina, sent about two hours ago telling her to be safe and Maya is clicking the contact button to call her before she's really thought it through.

It's only when she hears Carina's quiet "hello?" on the line that Maya remembers that they don't really call each other. Haven't called each other. Ever.

There's a pause, and Maya feels a little awkward but then Carina says, "Maya, hi!" and she doesn't sound weirded out so Maya starts talking.

She tells her about the fire, hears the excitement in her own voice mirrored in Carina's. She reacts appropriately and even through the phone Maya can tell she is genuinely interested. She surprises Maya with the questions she asks, wants to know the ins and outs of a rescue like one Maya did. Carina is engaged; her reactions are loud and excited and her laugh when Maya tells a silly joke makes something warm and soft settle behind Maya's chest.

They move on to speaking about Carina's day and there's a heaviness in Carina's voice when she mentions a difficult delivery and how she almost lost a mom and Maya finds herself scrambling for the words to make it better (she tries not to focus too much on why she cares so much) but Carina perks up, murmurs that she's glad Maya called. 'Thankful for such pleasant conversation.' Those are the words she uses and Maya beams then schools her face even though Carina can't see her. It's not until Travis comes to get her, tells her everyone is waiting on her before she realizes that she's been talking to Carina for almost an hour.

It doesn't dawn on her until later, that this is one of the first times the have talked without eventually leading to plans to hookup later. It had been easy conversation, they spoke about their days but also about nothing in particular. Maya finds she is mostly content to hear Carina's voice, likes the way she sounds over the phone. She doesn't even mind the way she jumps from topic to topic, always coming back to her initial point in the end. Talking to Carina is good. Better than good, she feels calm and comfortable. She hasn't felt this way with a person outside her friends in a while. It's exciting.

They talk a lot, after that. Sometimes Maya calls or Carina calls but the calls come, either way.

\--

The crew is cleaning up from breakfast one morning when she gets a text. She hopes it's Carina, they haven't spoken a few days and sure enough, it is. Maya smiles down at her phone, already crafting a response to the _'just checking up, how are you?_ ' text. 

"... so you wanna take aid car?"

Maya's head snaps up at Vic, and she nods absently at her, focused on her reply. "Yeah sure, okay."

"Huh." Vic says and Maya is too distracted to hear the needling in her voice. "You never want aid car."

"I don't mind."

Vic nods, then looks over her shoulder, reads the contact name. "Ah, I get it. It's Dr. DeLuca."

That seems to open the dam and there suddenly there are pointed looks and teasing jibes being sent her way from _everyone_.

"What's it say?" Andy tries to read her screen over her shoulder and Maya holds her phone up and away.

Jack grabs it from her then, makes like he's going to read it but doesn't, just waves it back and forth like a flag. Maya snatches her phone back and punches him, hard, in the chest. "Do that again and you'll lose a finger."

"Only a finger? Wow, Carina must be putting one on you, a couple of weeks ago you woulda threatened to end my whole life." He's smirking as he says this and Maya makes a face at him. She wants to deny his claims but knows it will only egg him on.

"So you're like, seeing her for real then?" Dean pipes up, momentarily stopping his wipe down of the counter to send her a knowing look.

Maya rolls her eyes. Why they have all suddenly decided this is the topic of the day is beyond her but whatever, she'll play along.

"No. We're just having fun."

"For _weeks_ , it's been weeks," Andy fake whispers, ducking when Maya reaches over the table to smack her.

"So... dating?" Travis says with a wry smike and Maya throws her hands up as she leaves the table. 

"You're all ridiculous and care way too much about this."

"It's interesting, we just want to know more about this mystery woman who makes you smile all day."

Maya snorts at that and opens the fridge to put the juice away. She does not smile all day. That's not even humanly possible. Sure, she laughs a lot when they talk but that's because Carina is funny. Not because of some crush or whatever they are all implying. 

They've hooked up a few more times since, each time better than before. It's been just over 3 weeks and she knows a lot about Carina, maybe even enough to qualify as casual dating in some circles but that's not what they're doing.

Dating implies commitment and effort and shit that Maya just doesn't have the energy for at the moment. And she likes Carina but sitting down, having the conversation and putting a label on it ... it's a lot.

Closing the fridge she pointedly ignores the teasing calls and heads to the barn.

She absolutely does not smile when her phone pings with a text from Carina. Not at all.

* * *

After another few days of trying to meet up, the find the time and Carina comes over after work.

She brings Greek takeout for dinner and cheesecake for dessert and it feels strange to be talking in person at first but they dive right in and it's just like before but better, because Maya can see the faint crinkle in her eyebrow when she laughs. They eat and talk and there is a movie in the background, an action movie Andy recommened and it's probably good but Maya will never know because the moment they finish eating, they have their hands on each other. Maya only remembers that Andy is coming home with Ryan at the last moment, leads Carina to the room instead.

Fueled by the weeks apart and the heated glances they sent each other during dinner, they move from couch to bedroom to the shower and back to the bed again and after, Maya is too sleepy to care when Carina flops back into bed with her. It's too late to call an uber anyway, is what she tells herself and she falls asleep next to her.

Morning comes far too quickly, the birds outside her windows chirping loudly and signaling the rise of the sun.

Maya doesn't remember falling asleep and she certainly doesn't remember falling alseep wrapped up in Carina but they must have gravitated towards each other during the night. She extracts herself carefully from Carina's grip, and instantly misses the warmth. Rolling onto her side, she props her face onto her left hand and maybe it's weird but she watches Carina sleep for a moment, because she can and she's struck, once again by her beauty.

Even asleep she's pretty.

Stunning, actually, all high cheek bones and pretty eyes and Maya traces her features with her eyes.

She doesn't realize she's been caught until she looks back up at Carina's eyes, sees them looking sleepily up at her.

Maya doesn't know how to play it off because she was obviously staring but it ends up not mattering because Carina just blinks up at her says, "hello, Maya" in soft voice filled with early morning rasp and Maya huffs out a laugh.

She doesn't... do this. Doesn't have long nights and certainly doesn't have mornings but as Carina draws her close, she can't recall any reasons as to why this is a bad idea.

"I'm going to be late," Maya whispers, after Carina kisses her, because she knows where this is going and she should at least pretend she cares about work. 

She doesn't actually try to move from under Carina, who is now straddling her, though.

"I thought the Captain was your bestfriend?" Carina asks between kisses on Maya's neck.

"She... she is," is Maya's breathless reply. "She can't play favorities though. And I'm never late, so it'll be extra obvious. And-"

The rest of her sentence is lost to a strangled moan. Carina's hand has been moving progressively lower as they talk and Maya has been trying(not very hard) to focus but it's a lost cause.

There's silence then, except for gasps and moans and Maya has never been more happy to have the house to herself because she knows Andy would never let her live it down if she was home to hear her.

When they finally come up for air, Carina is looking down at her with a smile and there is something in her eyes, something that sets alarm bells off in Maya's head. She looks away from her gaze, pulls back from her.

"As much as I would like to stay here all day, I really do have to get to work, and if I don't leave now I'm going to get in trouble."

"Alright," Carina sits up and reaches for a shirt and Maya tears her eyes away and sighs. She's never been this late and she knows she's in for an annoying amount of teasing when she gets to work but honestly it's worth it.

"Do you remember that patient I told you about, the one with triplets? She gifted me free dinner at her restaurant." 

"Hm," Maya replies, not really sure where this is going. She's only half listening, watching Carina flit across the room, gathering her clothes. She bends to grab her pants and Maya's eyes follow.

"She owns Avante, that fancy Ethiopian place and I know we would have to find time but if you wanted, I was thinking we could go?" Carina jumps into her pants, starts to button her blouse up and Maya blinks away from her cleavage to respond.

She can feel her smile getting a little strained on her face and she's glad Carina is too busy with her buttons to look at her. It's not that spending time together hasn't been wonderful but so far it's been takeout and sex and easy conversation. Dinner is dinner, which is to say, real and serious. It means something more than just sex, means they are more than casual and as much as she likes Carina, Maya doesn't want to go deeper, not yet. It's not like she hasn't thought about it, Carina is lovely and spending time with her is easy and feels good. Too good. Carina is really great and if they go all in and it doesn't work out... Maya doesn't really want to deal with that. 

"Maya?" Carina is looking at her with her head tilted and a raised brow.

"I'm not really looking for a relationship," Maya says, and she's being blunt but she figures it's the best way to tackle this. "I mean, this-" she points between them, "-has been fun, right? Let's not ruin that."

She risks a look at Carina, expecting her to be offended because even though she didn't mean to be, she came off a bit rude there, at the end but Carina just looks amused.

"Okay, Maya," Carina starts and there is something in her voice but it turns back into amusement before Maya can place it. "Where did I mention a relationship? I like spending time with you, and I'm a little bit sick of takeout so I just thought we could eat a nice restaurant. Unless you are against friendships?"

Maya blushes a little, mollified at her reaction. Carina was just being nice, of course and Maya feels ridiculous for jumping to conclusions.

"Oh."

"Mhm." Carina laughs. "Look, you have my number, so if you ever want to get together, call me. As _friends_ of course."

She does up the last of her buttons gives Maya a chaste kiss on the cheek and leaves.

Maya finds herself missing the warmth of her presence but doesn't dwell on that. She's already 15 minutes late and she still has to shower and drive to work, she can examine whatever just happened on the way there. Or not.

That's good too.

————

"So," Andy says, "you were pretty late today."

She's driving the truck back from call, a small house fire resulting from a toddler turning on the burners in his home. They hadn't really had time to talk, and Maya had pointedly shut down any conversations about her lateness by busying herself with clean up. She has no where to go now though, as the truck makes it's way slowly back to the station.

"Was I?" Maya replies with feigned ignorance.

Vic snorts from the back and Maya turns to glare at her. It doesn't deter her, not one bit.

"You were. How is Carina by the way?" Andy smirks at her in the mirror and Maya rolls her eyes.

"I wouldn't know."

"Oh please, I saw you two all cozy on the couch before I left remember? And I heard you last night."

"You were home last night? Thought you stayed at Tanner's."

"Nah, we came home after dinner with his mom. That was super weird, and we're definitely going to talk about it but later, don't change the subject." Andy turns onto the main road, narrowly missing a jaywalker. "The fact that you didn't even hear me come in last night is hilarious by the way."

"I can't believe you're still seeing her," Vic pipes up from the back.

"Okay, we're not 'seeing each other'. We're just having a good time." Or at least they were. Maya isn't sure where they stand after this morning. Carina hadn't seemed mad as she left but she also hasn't reached out since. Maya knows it's up to her to make the next move and strangely, she finds herself wanting to. 

"Oh I know." Andy smirks. "You sould hear them go at it Vic, it's like-"

"Okay! We are not having this conversation!"

"No, please let's have this conversation." Vic says, between laughter.

Maya just gives them both the finger, grinning at their mock offended faces. "We're grown adults having a consensual good time. Leave me alone."

"But you're so fun to rile up. Also, why were you late? Did you guys grab breakfast?"

"No. Nothing like that. I just lost track of time is all."

She catches a look pass between Vic and Andy in the mirror. "What, what's that look?"

"Nothing," they say at the same time and Maya would believe it if they weren't both sporting giant grins right now.

"Seriously, what?"

"It's just... you're never late. And you don't let people sleep over. Like at all. But you let her, and I saw you two together before I went out, you're cute."

Maya sees that they have arrived at the station and she uses that as an excuse to escape the conversation. Hopping out of the truck, she grabs her gear and heads for the storage room.

"You can't hide from us!" Vic calls after her and Andy nods.

"Yeah, the station's not that big!"

"Whatever!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andy is captain in this universe so there is no sullivan.. at least not as of yet.
> 
> also the last time i watched greys was 1000yrs ago & no mains had died yet so yeah idk what's currently going on... but i did a brief read through and i know the basics of their current season but since carina's plot wasn't huge on there, im making the executive decision to do whatever i want with her going forward!  
> we'll get her pov in the next chapter!


	3. dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some girltime, some face masks and a date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please excuse any typos/mistakes. dyslexia won't let me be great.

Living in America wasn't the plan.

Neither wanting or expecting to stay in Seattle for long, Carina had arrived with one goal in mind: research. 

She and Andrea had started speaking again, tentatively, about 2 years ago and while their earliest conversations were short and strained, she had always been excellent at gathering information and when he let it slip, about 4 months in, that his new hospital was being led by a female chief of surgery...

Well.

To say she had dropped everything would have been an exaggeration but not so far from the truth. Madrid was getting boring; her lease was up and she had gotten everything that she needed from the city. Her relationship, if one could call it that, was hanging on by a thread and leaving the country had the added bonus of allowing her to end it gracefully.

Her reconcilation with her brother had been, and she can admit this now that years have gone by, not entirely unselfish on her part.

Within two weeks, she had secured an apartment and gotten all her affairs in order. Less than 30 days after Andrea told her about the chief, she had landed in Seattle.

If her 5 years at at Santiyo Hospitales had taught her anything, it was how to bargin and within minutes of meeting Cheif Bailey, she had secured more than enough funding to properly conduct her study.

She had waited for an opportunity for years, after being denied over and over by stodgy male Chiefs in Palermo, Berlin and finally, Madrid. Their initial interest would fade, once they realized it was not simply titillating conversation and that she was serious. They would come to her then, with insincere apologies and claims that her topic was obscene.

Miranda Bailey had said none of that, had taken her seriously right from the start and embarrassed little brothers and over involved co-workers be damned, she was going to publish her work.

Sexual encounters with certain blond doctors aside, she had been rather uninterested in maintaining more than a professional relationship with her peers, at first. She found that doctors(and interns and nurses and even administration)at Grey Sloan were over familiar in their approach with patients and each other and coming from a job that had mostly discouraged fraternization between doctors... Grey Sloan with all its theatrics were perplexing.

She was there to work, and she tried to keep it professional but the invites for drinks and lunch and still came. She was was not rude. She smiled and made polite conversation and ate in the cafeteria, once. Once was all it took, the food was strangely unhealthy for a hospital but that was the least of her problems. While she had been excelling in her research and enjoying the sights(and people) Seattle had to offer, her reputation at work was somewhat unbalanced. The seemingly endless invitations at the very beginning of her tenure never quite stopped and they seemed sincere enough but still, quite vague.

So work was work and she found her scene elsewhere. There were bars and clubs and restaurants and she had her friends abroad(she was currently in at least 4 group chats, the friends she picked up around the world constantly lighting up her phone with stories and pictures or even silly questions like 'does anyone know if weed is legal in canada (the answer: yes)). She talked to her oldest and best friend, Carmela, every other day, regaling her with tales of her new life. She was fine.

On her tougher days, when patients came in with cramps and left with cancer diagnosis, she would wonder briefly about those invitations but never quite enough to do anything about it.

Until Amelia Shepherd.

She flirted and teased her way into Carina's life with sly comments and lingering looks that Carina suspected were more talk anything. She was right. After bumping into each other at Joe's one night, Carina had asked her blatantly if she wanted to go home together and if the flustered stammering wasn't enough, the way she couldn't look Carina in the eye said it all.

Amelia had seemed relieved, rather than disappointed, about the end of their shortlived one sided nomance and even though the flirting continued, it was more friendly than anything and Amelia slowly became a permanent fixture in her office. 

Carina found that it was nice to have an ally at work. Amelia added a lightness to all the daily drama, bringing gossip and snacks and eventually, Maggie. 

Maggie, who seemed to know almost everything, was a little serious but very sweet and well meaning and spoke Italian almost as well as she spoke French. It was nice to speak her native tongue in person, with someone other than her brother, and for all her seriousness, Maggie was also quite silly and Carina had shared some of the loudest laughs with her after shifts over hot tea and soft pastries.

One day she looked up and almost a year had gone by. She had not even noticed. Seattle had become, not quite her home, but certainly somewhere safe. She had gotten used to Grey Sloan and all it's drama and her coworkers had finally gotten used to her as well, no longer regarding her as some untouchable sexual paragon but rather, a fully realized adult woman just so happened to have an abundance of sexual health knowlege at her disposal. The interns still called her Dr. Orgasm but she mostly found that funny and and everything just became easier.

Things with her brother were good too. He liked that she was making friends (he grumbled a bit about her befriending his ex but got over it once she pointed out that she could have slept with her instead).

She has been at Grey Sloan for just over 18 months and for about 16 of those months she has been engulfed in this little family and Carina has always been an island, and sometimes she needs her space but this is nice, too.

Their bi-weekly nighttime get togethers are a new thing.

Girls' Nights were always somewhat juvenile to her, even when she was a child but getting together to watch inaccurate medical dramas with overpriced healthstore junk food is _fun_. She can relax and let go and sometimes they unload about work, because it's where they spend most of their time and it's inevitable, but most of the time they chat about their personal lives, about house hunting and travelling and romance and when night falls and the food is gone, their voices get lower and secrets and desires and wants make their way out, too.

Carina has, somewhat accidentally, cultivated lingering friendships that will not be so quickly forgotten, no matter where she ends up.

Where she is tonight though, is not under Maya like she had hoped (and oh, had she hoped) but instead at another girls night. She is cocooned on the couch, yawning as she watches Maggie try to coordinate a beauty routine for all of them.

"What's this supposed to do again?"

"It says," Maggie flips the packet over and holds it up, "for bright, and even skin leave the mask on for 15 minutes."

Amelia snorts. "Sounds like a lot to ask from a three dollar face mask."

"Yeah, the lady at the beauty counter didn't look so sure either but it was this or eyebrow kits and this was the less risky option."

"Well, my eyebrows thank you. How's it feel for you, Carina?"

"Hm?" Carina looks up from her phone. "Sorry, what?"

"I said, how's the mask coming along, do you feel your pores shrinking or whatever?"

"No, not really, but it smells delicious," Carina says. She goes to pick up her phone again but Amelia grabs it before she can.

"Hey!"

"Nope. This is one of the only free nights we get. No outside forces. You can exchange sexy texts with your hot lady firefighter later."

Carina narrows her eyes but grins. "I wasn't," she says and Amelia just chuckles.

" _Sure_ you weren't. I saw those messages. There were voice notes in there, and everyone knows what those are for." Her wink is clearly to emphasize her point.

"Um, what are they...?" Maggie says. Her voice comes out stilted, the drying green mask on her face affecting her speech. "Wait, Amelia do you use voice notes for phone sex?"

Maggie looks positively scandalized and Carina can't help it, she bursts into laughter. She's just tired enough to make this exchange hilarious and her laugh is more from the lightness she feels in her body than Maggie's startled face.

Amelia is non pulssed. "'Course I do. That's what it's there for."

"I feel like the iphone makers would beg to differ."

"Screw them," Amelia says.

"You would," Maggie replies and Amelia looks up thoughtfully. "I would."

Maggie's mask cracks when she snickers and Carina settles back into the couch, watching them fondly.

Amelia sets her phone down to grab the remote and Carina takes advantage of the distraction to take her phone back.

Despite Amelia's teasing, her conversation with Maya tonight has been completely innocent.

Maya had been so bothered at the suggestion of lunch that Carina had expected to never hear from her again but Maya had texted her two days later, sent her, _'lunch?'_ and signed it ' _your friend Maya :)'_ which made Carina laugh. They ended up planning for dinner which works better with their schedules but also screams 'date!' and honestly, she keeps expecting Maya to call it off.

It's silly. Carina doesn't do the asking, she is the one who gets asked. She is well versed in rejection, having rebuffed more potential partners than she can count and yet, here she is.

For the past few weeks, she assumed her and Maya were on the same page, and it wasn't until Maya had so pointedly thwarted her attempt at a date (because that is what she was angling for, despite her insistence otherwise) that it dawned on her that perhaps there needed to be more communication on her part. While the sex was spectacular, it was Maya, her jokes, her smile, the way her eyes looked in the morning, and not her body that Carina found herself thinking of during meetings, and at night...

Maya is beautiful and witty and intense, even over text and Carina likes that. When Maya looks at her it's with her entire body. She is so focused, like Carina is the only thing in the room and usually that amount of attention makes her feel claustrophobic but from Maya it doesn't. 

It's ridiculous.

She is an adult, almost 35 years old and she has a _crush_ , like a schoolgirl. 

And of course she has not made it easy for herself. Carefully detached but gorgeous, Maya is the definition of trouble but she is who Carina wants. 

The sound of the front door opening jolts Carina back to the present.

"Hello! I'm here, I'm here!" is the loud call from the hallway and all their heads turn to face Teddy.

Her hair is up in a bun and she's holding a paper bag in one hand and a bottle of mango juice in the other. 

"I know I'm late-- what the hell is that?" Teddy asks, befuddled at their green faces. 

"A three dollar miracle worker," Amelia says and Teddy nods slowly, still confused.

"Hope you're not expecting me to do whatever that is, too."

"Oh, but we are."

"Yeah, I spent 12 bucks on this crap we're all getting beautified!"

Maggie tosses her a pack and Teddy catches it with one hand and passes the bag to Carina. She rifles through it, takes out a container of grapes and smiles up at Teddy gratefully. Grapes are her favourites. 

"Thanks, Teddy."

"No worries. Actually, thank you for the consult today. That girl was so young and you really helped calm her down."

"Of course." Carina passes Teddy a grape. Her hands are busy with the mask and Carina laughs as she takes it with her mouth. 

Her phone buzzes and she and Amelia have a staring contest before they both dart for it.

Carina gets to it first.

"Really? You're going to ignore us for your firefighter lover?"

"Stop calling her that." Carina mock glares, glancing at her phone.

"Firefighter lover? Teddy asks. "You mean Warren's co-worker?"

"Yep, the hot blond one, the one with the baby blues." Amelia leans into the couch with a faraway look in her eyes and Maggie tosses a throw pillow at her face.

Carina huffs out a laugh. "Amelia, do _you_ want to date her?"

"Ah! So you _are_ dating."

This comes from Maggie, who has started to peel off her mask.

"That is not what I said."

"Wait," Teddy says, "refresh my memory, what's she look like again?"

"She looks," Amelia quickly types something on her phone then holds it up, "like that."

That, is a picture of Maya. She's wearing a shirt with the Olympic emblem on the sleeve with her face turned away from the camera, smiling at someone offscreen. Her hair is lighter and she's younger, maybe 19 or 20 but it's definitely her.

"How did you get that so fast?" Carina says, but she leans over the center table to squint at the screen.

"Oh, the Olympian? I know her. She's cute."

"She is. Remember those Nike ads that one summer? She was in those too. Couldn't get that song they used out of my head for like a week." Maggie says.

"I almost forgot about those. Yeah, she and that gymnast were on billboards everywhere in LA at the time too." Amelia hands her phone to Carina. "Bet you she's loaded."

"Amelia!" Maggie scolds and she doesn't even flinch.

"What? We were all thinking it."

"Anyway," Carina says, trying to redirect the conversation, "yes that is her." She zooms in to read the caption on the picture.

_Maya Bishop, 21, gold medalist 10,000m_

Below that is a brief blurb that summarizes her daily routine and journey to the Olympics. It's barely a paragraph, but detailed enough to seem open and instill the reader with a false sense of closeness that the organization probably made all their athletes write. Carina reads it 3 times.

"Am I ever going to get my phone back?" Amelia teases when she notices Carina scrolling down the page again. Carina makes a face but exits the browser and passes the phone back.

"This Maya, she's really gotten under your skin, huh?" Amelia says this as rearranges herself on the couch. She's giving Carina a gentle smile that is far too knowing and Carina takes a sip of her drink to hide from it.

"I don't know about all that. She's just interesting. I like talking to her."

"That's new," Maggie says and they all turn to stare at her. She covers her eyes. "What I mean is, you're not really a talk it out kind of girl. Which is fine, good actually, you know--"

"Maggie stop talking," Amelia interrupts and they all cackle as she groans.

"Y'know what I mean."

Teddy nods, "you're saying she's more hit it and quit it."

Carina frowns, "huh?"

Amelia clarifies. "She means you're all love 'em and leave em. Like, you let them know and you're not messy about it, super healthy by the way--"

"--but now you're being all careful and smiley and it's different." Maggie comments.

"Good different," Teddy adds, rearranging herself on the couch. "It's kinda nice to know that someone can send you off-kilter, just like the rest of us mortals."

Carina smiles, mulls this over. It's no secret that in the past she has tended towards sudden, short lived nights of pleasure rather than long term relationships. And while her friends are mostly teasing, there is an inkling of truth to their words. There hasn't been a great change and she isn't leaving sonnets and flowers at Maya's door but compared to her usual behavior when it comes to dating, there is certainly a difference.

"I... suppose. But honestly we haven't even been a date yet so anything can happen."

"All that texting and not even a date yet? Someone's invested," Teddy says, grinning up at her from her position on the floor.

"I bet the sex is insane." Maggie hiccups, then sits up. "Ugh, no more wine for me. But am I right?"

"Probably. I mean, it's Carina." Amelia says then winks at Carina. "Anyways, I'm starving, is anyone else starving? Let's get pizza."

Teddy and Maggie immediately nod. Carina sends Amelia a grateful look. She's not one to shy away from conversations about her sex life, and she isn't uncomfortable now but the reminder that she and Maya have yet to go on an actual date, stirs something inside her. Something cautious and soft and she doesn't want to dwell on this anymore.

"Maybe some wings as well?" Carina adds and Maggie points at her.

"You have the best ideas."

They get busy pulling up delivery apps and sorting out orders and by the time the food arrives the conversation has turned to helping Maggie look up apartments and they start to debate the pros and cons of an in-building laundry. 

The night ends a few hours later and Amelia offers her the couch but Carina calls an uber instead. She sees the text alert from Maya but doesn't click it until she's home and showered and ready for bed.

Opening it she sees multiple texts. The 1st says, ' _about thursday, it's a date, right?_ ' and the 2nd is Maya's reply to the link she sent her. It's a paper she wrote almost 8 years ago now, on endometriosis and IVF. Not wildly interesting but when she offhandedly mentioned it in a conversation about the early days of their jobs, Maya had told her to send it. She only scans the text because she's tired and tipsy but it's long. Maya seems to have not only read it but also highlighted her favourite parts. Carina settles into bed and turns on her lamp but it's unnecessary. The grin on her face already lights up the room. 

* * *

Monday is exhausting.

Carina's last three patients are sweet but have overeager husbands and normally she wouldn't mind answering the same questions over and over but her residents have been acting like children and she was supposed to get off an hour ago but instead she is in her office going over patient files, fixing their mess. 

She might be a little irritated. 

Her chief resident is going through a breakup and Carina only knows this because she tears up at the slightest provocation.

Carina is sympathetic. She understands the intensity of first love but Jiya is bright and beautiful and the relationship had been tumultuous from the start so as much as she cares she also needs her to wipe her face and do her job.

She says as much to her brother who only shakes his head.

"And here I thought you'd gone soft." Andrea says, when she tells him about how Jiya had to be sent out of an exam room after she burst into tears at the sight of a couple holding hands.

"Who's going soft?" Amelia asks, barging into her office.

"Not Carina." Andrea says, and he rolls his eyes when she sticks her tongue out at him.

Something about her brother makes her feel young, making faces and exchanging pinches like they did as children. It's nice, when he's not actively trying to annoy her to have this connection again after so many years apart. He is almost the only close family she has left. Both parents were only children and their mother is dead and their father is unreliable. Their maternal grandmother is still alive, lives alone in Sicily but she is 87 and traditional and does not approve of Carina very much so that's not really an option. 

"...going on that date tonight?"

"Right? You would think with all the smiling she's been doing something would have changed but nope." Andrea shakes his head solemnly and this time Carina does pinch him.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not in the room!"

"Why doesn't she get pinched?" Andrea says, laughing as he points at Amelia.

"She isn't my annoying little brother."

"But you love me like a sister right?" Amelia sits on the couch meant for expecting mothers and puts her feet up.

Carina sighs, "is there a reason you're here or did you just want to annoy me before I leave?"

Amelia grins at her ire. "Geez. Rough day?"

"My residents are behaving like bambinos and every patient I had today wanted me explain the circle of life. In alarming detail."

"See, that's why I'm in neuro. All this baby stuff, it's nice on paper but when it gets down to it, it's like, so involved. I do like the sex stuff though. Bravo on that." Amelia does a little bow and it makes Carina smile like she knows she intended.

"Bagel? It won't make patients less annoying but it's delicious." Andrea holds out an everything bagel and Carina declines with a shake of her head.

"I'll take it," Amelia says and she breaks off half. "What are you still doing here anyway, thought you'd be long gone by now."

"We're meeting here and taking her car since Andrea drove me this morning. Also," Carina gestures to files on her desk, "I had to make sure my residents didn't kill anyone." 

"So you're going to change and get ready, here?"

Carina nods. "I have my things in the back I just need to..." she signs two papers quickly and sets down her pen, "done."

"Is that what you're wearing?" Andrea asks, "it's a little casual don't you think?"

Carina narrows her eyes, "I _just_ said I have a change of clothes, Andrea."

"Don't stress your sister out," Amelia smacks Andrea on the arm lightly. "She only has a few minutes to get ready."

"No, I have— shit." Carina looks up at the clock above the couch. She didn't even notice that time was slipping away. She has maybe 10 minutes before Maya shows up. Shuffling out of her chair she walks to the small room at the back of her office she uses for file storage and naps and grabs the dress she has hanging there.

It's a sleeveless black knit dress, fitted but not tight and simple enough to be casual, ending just below the knee. She has a jacket but it's been a warm September so she might not need it. She shimmies into the dress, pulls out her compact to touch up her makeup and exits to greet Amelia and Andrea with a little spin.

"Nice!"

"Yeah, you look okay," Andrea says but he's smiling.

"Thank you," Carina says. "I'm going to lock up now so if you two want-"

The rest of her sentence dies in her throat, forgotten at the sight of the person at the door.

It's Maya.

She's in black jeans and a purple top covered by a leather jacket. Her face is lightly made up and her hair is parted down the middle, and hanging down her back in waves.

She's beautiful.

"Hey," Maya says, smiling.

"Hi." She catches Maya quickly check her out and her smile grows.

"I know we were going to meet out front but it started to rain so I figured I should come inside. Hope that's okay?" Maya is still in the doorway, hand on the handle.

Carina waves at her to enter. "Of course, I was just leaving."

Maya walks in, stops when she reaches the desk and leans on it. Up close she looks even better. The light gold eyeshadow makes her eyes look even bluer and Carina gets lost in it for a moment. They are looking at each other now, just silently staring and Carina almost forgets that Amelia and Andrea are still there until Andrea coughs. Loudly.

"Hi," he says, turning to Maya.

"Hey," she gives him a small wave and does the same to Amelia. "I'm Maya."

"Oh, we know." Amelia says, exchanging grins with Maya.

"You've been talking about me, Deluca?" Maya says, sending a lopsided grin Carina's way. It's playful and teasing and Carina wants to kiss it off her face.

She picks up her purse instead, to give her hands something to do.

"All the time," Andrea says with an evil grin and Carina gives him the finger behind Maya's back.

"We should get going," Amelia says, "wouldn't want you two to be late."

"But I'm not done my bagel," Andrea tries, holding up the nearly finished bread.

"Finish it outside." Amelia hisses and Carina watches Maya watch them, takes in the way her eyes crinkle at the sides in amusement.

"I'm Amelia, by the way. This idiot is Andrea."

"Andrea," Maya turns to Carina "like your brother Andrea?"

"Yes," Carina says, then, pointedly, "goodbye Andrea," before he can say anything else.

Maya laughs as Amelia drags him out.

The door clicks behind them and then it's just them.

"Hi," Maya says.

"Hello," Carina says back.

There is a silent moment where she watches Maya watch her and she feels warm, like she's been laying out in the sun. The intensity of the gaze, paired with the want in her eyes spurs Carina on and she inches closer until she is standing between Maya's legs. Maya doesn't hesitate, grabbing Carina by the waist and pulling her close.

The kiss feels like coming up for air. The angle is a little awkward because Maya is sitting on the desk and Carina has to lean down but it's so, so worth it. Her left hand scrambles to gain purchase on the desk and she knocks a paperweight over but doesn't care. Maya sighs, all sweet and delicious when Carina slides a hand into her hair and Carina tempers down the urge take her right there in the office.

"Maya," Carina pulls back, braces her hands on Maya's shoulders, "we have to go." 

Maya looks up at her through her lashes. "About that actually, I know we have reservations and I'm sure Avante is great but I was thinking..." Maya trails off, tucking a stray hair behind Carina's ear.

"Do you not like Ethiopian food?"

"No, I mean I've never had Ethiopian food but that's not it. It's just, with traffic and finding a parking space, it's just going to be a lot. And I know you've had a stressful day so maybe you want to go somewhere close?" Maya is rambling a little, and Carina can't help but find this slightly unsure version of her adorable.   
  
"Did you have some place in mind?"

"Two places actually. There's this amazing sushi bar just a couple of blocks from here and there's this really great spot in Gardena Park that has the best view so maybe we could grab food and head out there?"

"You want to go on a picnic?" Carina smiles, runs her thumbs back and forth on Maya's neck.

"I guess?" Maya bites her lip. "It was just a suggestion we could totally do dinner still if you want."

"No, I want to see this beautiful view. And it's stopped raining," Carina nods at the window, "so it's perfect."

Maya beams. "Yeah?"

"Yes."

Maya leans up for another kiss but Carina puts a palm on her shoulder to stop her. "No, if we start that we will never leave."

Maya pouts but jumps off the desk and pulls Carina along with her. "Okay, okay, let's go."

* * *

"It is not funny!"

"It's a little funny."

"You are terrible." Carina says but she can't stop laughing either.

They have been at the park for over and hour, eating and chatting. The sushi was great and the view is even better. The sun is setting, blanketing the park in pinks and purples and giving the day a dreamy, hazy feeling.

"You like it," Maya jokes, bumping her shoulder into Carina's.

She catches Maya's arm, stops her from walking further. Maya goes easily, rises on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on Carina's lips. "I do," Carina says and it comes out more serious than she intends but she can't take it back. She doesn't want to.  
  
Maya kisses her again, instead of replying, sucks her bottom lip into her mouth. They kiss, slow and passionate right there in the park. They're off the path, and no has walked past them in an hour but it still feels a little open.

Carina expected a little more resistance because of how they started out but Maya has been chivalrous and sweet and it seems that her hard exterior is just for show.

She stands between Carina and the road, holds doors open for her and guides her with a gentle arm at the small of her back when they get to particularly crowded spots on the trail.

Carina has always thought that she didn't like those kinds of things. Turns out it was never the action just the people.

Her heart all but skips a beat when Maya holds out an arm for her and her cheeks ache from smiling so hard.

The conversation has been good, too. Between stories and jokes and random tangents she has learned a lot about Maya in the last hour and it's all going so well that Carina doesn't want it to end.

"Wanna see something cool?" Maya says and Carina is already nodding before she finishes asking.

Maya grins, walks them backwards until they're standing under a clearing, then points up. "Look."

The sky is stunning. The stars are out and bright and beautiful but Carina is more interested in the joy on Maya's face. She's looking up at the sky, eyes wide with a huge smile on her face.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Maya murmurs and Carina nods, smiling softly at Maya's excitement.

"I did not know you were such a nerd." Carina teases, chuckling when Maya crosses her arms.

"Astronomy isn't nerdy! The stars are really important. Plus space is just plain cool, almost all of our basic technology relys on satellites, it's essential."

"So smart."

Maya shrugs, blushes a little. "I guess I am a little bit nerdy. I just like learning. Old habits, I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"I was that kid that was always in the library, tearing through the books and eventually, when our school finally got good computers, scrolling on all the educational sites to get my hands on whatever was available."

Carina tilts her head, "I thought you were an athlete in high school. You know, running and getting cheered on by all the girls."

Maya snorts. "Hardly. I was so focused on running, and at 16 I already knew I couldn't fail so I had no time for friends or girls. They definitely had no time for me."

"I don't believe that."

"It's true! I didn't even have a proper girlfriend 'till my first year in college." Maya clamps her mouth shut, flushes bright red and looks away. It's obvious she didn't mean to share that.

Carina catches her hand, entwines their fingers together. Maya gives her a sidelong look but lets herself be pulled in.

"I don't even know why I said that. It's so easy to tell you things." Maya whispers. "I'm exposing myself here. Tell me something."

Carina thinks for a second, "I once lost my bikini bottoms in a pool after I was dared to jump in."

"What?"

"Yes! I was 17 and thought I had to prove myself to some dumb boys but I just ended up revealing myself."

"Oh no," Maya tries to hide her laugh but she fails.

"It's okay, you can laugh, but just know you are laughing at my pain right now."

"Was it really bad?"

"A bit, but my friend Carmela bought me shorts and the seller was so gorgeous, she asked me on a date afterwards."

Maya gapes at her. "How is that embarrassing?"

"I lost my bottoms! In public."

"Yeah and got a girl from that!"

Carina giggles, and kisses Maya quickly to distract her. It only half works.

"I don't even remember her name. And we only lasted a day, I don't think we even kissed."

"Oh, well that makes it okay, then." Maya teases and Carina wrinkles her nose.

"I still can't believe you were a shy kid in school. You are so..." Carina sighs as she searches for the words. "You are so collected and focused and I think the most hard-working person I have ever met?"

Maya's face softens, and she steps closer until they're pressed together. "That's what you think?"

Carina nods, "that's what I know," she says and she doesn't get to elaborate because Maya is suddenly kissing her. One hand is on Carina's waist, the other palming her ass. Maya squeezes then slides a knee between her legs and a jolt of want hits Carina so hard she loses her balance. Maya's strong arms hold her up, and Carina swallows a moan when those same arms go back to her ass.

She feels something hit her back and reaches out to check. They've gravitated towards the trees and even as a branch digs into her back Carina doesn't want to let go.

She's not sure how long they stay there, all wrapped up in each other but it's considerably darker when they pull back and they are both breathing heavily.

"I love the stars," Carina says, breathlessly and Maya's responding laugh echoes in the night.

"Me too."

"I did not realize it had gotten so late."

Maya looks around. "Yeah, it's still so pretty out here though."

" _You're_ pretty," Carina says, and she expects Maya to brush it off but she doesn't expect the blush and stuttering that accompanies. She ducks her head, hooks a finger in Carina's jacket pocket. 

"You're not smooth, you know," Maya says but her pink cheeks say otherwise.

Carina ducks down to kiss her nose. Maya's eyes flutter and she sighs. 

"But really, I know you have work tomorrow it's cool if we need to leave." Maya doesn't sound very convincing.

Carina doesn't want to leave either. Their date has been going so well, and everything is wonderful, she just wants to exist in the moment for a bit.

"I do have work, but you said you were going to show me your spot and I was really looking forward to it."

Maya breaks out a blinding smile. "I was hoping you would say that. You'll love it, there's this gorgeous creek with the prettiest flowers."

"I can't wait."

The walk to the creek is quick and the moon is high in the sky when they get there. It illuminates the scene, casts a gentle glow on everything. They sit on a rock at the ledge, side by side, pressed together and holding hands. Maya tells her about the biodiversity and ecosystems and Carina listens fondly.

When Maya takes a breath, she kisses her.

"What was that for?" Maya asks voice quiet in the night.

"Just you," Carina says, running a hand down Maya's arm. "I really like it here."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's supposed to be a secret but I guess we can share." Maya kisses her cheek then lifts Carina's arm to cozy up to her and Carina doesn't want to ever move.

"I would love that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said this is set post s19 s2x10 but im really just doing whatever i want so let's just go with some nebulous time in season 2


	4. feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The initial infatution has given way to something less frenzied but no less passionate.

I've died," Andy groans. "I've died and gone to hell and this is my personal punishment."

"You're so dramatic."

"Maya, I literally can't feel my legs. Seriously, are they even there anymore?"

"C'mon, it's not that bad. And, your heart is thanking you right now!"

"We're firefighters, Maya. Actual firefighters, my heart thanks me everytime I step into work. No, this," Andy pants, "this is toruture."

She wipes at her forehead, leans down to catch her breath. "Can't believe you do this everyday."

"Sometimes twice a day."

"Freak," Andy pants and Maya just sticks out her tongue.

"Maybe, but don't be jealous when I'm 60 and thriving and you're all wrinkly and hobbled over."

"Okay wonder woman." Andy huffs, laughing. 

"Look, finish out the mile with me and I'll take you to the new cafe on 11th Avenue. They've got that gunpowder tea you like." 

"That new tea place? You hate tea. Just yesterday you called it coffee for wimps."

"And I stand by that," Maya says. "No, Carina took me there, she loves their blue lotus tea."

Andy stops stretching, raises her eyebrows and grins. "You and her have spots now?"

"Shut up." Maya rolls her eyes.

Andy gives up with the stretches and drops to the grass. "You've been seeing her a lot."

Maya sits down next to her. "Yeah, she keeps discovering all these new places in the city and they're all so cool. You know that huge art festival they have downtown?"

"I've heard of it."

"There's this artist Carina really likes and she's pretty super low-key, doesn't post on social media or anything but I read on some artforum that she might show up so I've been keeping an eye out just in case."

"Isn't the festival a few weeks from now?"

Maya nods. "Yeah, why?"

"Honestly I can't remember the last time you were this excited about someone. Look at you, thinking ahead and everything." Andy pokes her knee. "You want her to stick around."

Maya shrugs. Andy isn't wrong.  
For all her insistence that they keep things casual, after that first date, all pretenses about just what it was they were doing just fell away, especially on Maya's end.

They talked until after midnight and when she dropped Carina off they made out in the car like a bunch of teenagers. She kept stalling because she didn't want the night to end.

They're dating, she can say that now without any weird sort of tension in her chest because she might have been hesitant in the beginning but she's all in now.

Maya likes Carina, in the sort of way that gives her pause, because it's all so new. They've been properly seeing each other for a couple of weeks and already she wants to be around Carina all the time, wants to tell her things she's never told anyone else. She hasn't felt this way in... she doesn't even know, in years and it's a little confusing, but also thrilling.

Carina is kind and observant and clever, and she makes Maya laugh but she is also unnerving because Maya still doesn't know what to do with the way she feels when she's around her, what to make of the way Carina holds her and jokes with her and smiles at her. And that _smile_. Equal parts flirtatious and teasing, it starts from the corner of her mouth and blooms, like she has a secret, and it dizzies Maya each time.

"You really like her, huh?" Andy turns so she's fully facing Maya.

Maya looks away. Some part of her wants to keep it to herself, just in case something goes wrong and she messes up, but it's Andy.

"She's so great, Andy. Like, just so different that anyone I've ever known? She's been all over the world and she knows everything." Maya sounds smitten, even to her own ears but she can't stop. "When we're together it's like I can just exist and I don't have to be any sort of way."

She feels a litle bit dumb saying all this out loud but once it's out she finds she means it. Carina makes her feel seen, and Maya has always thought trust was overrated but with her she wants to try. 

Andy smiles at her, puts a hand on hers. "Maya, that's great."

"You don't think it's too fast?" Maya sighs. "I've never cared this much."

"I think that if you really like her then you should go for it. You're allowed to be happy, you don't have to be so tough all the time."

"I'm not tough," Maya says but she's pleased at that description. She likes being slightly unapproachable. Keeping people at a distance just takes the mess out of things.

"Travis was scared to talk to you for like 4 months when we started at 19. And Warren still shivers when you stare at him too long."

Maya laughs. "Men are so weak."

Andy laughs with her and rolls onto her back. "Listen, I'm far from a relationship expert but I've seen you two together and Maya, way she looks at you? She likes you just as much."

Maya blushes and is glad Andy's lying on her back and not looking at her. "You think?"

"At Joe's last week? She just kept sneaking looks at you the whole time."

"Oh god, Joe's. I thought I ruined everything when Jack wouldn't stop talking."

Carina had already been there with her friends but they were on their way out so she'd joined Maya, Jack and Andy. Jack and Maya were shit talking and he had let it slip about the game. Carina had just sort of smirked and only after he finished speaking did Jack get that maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Carina wasn't mad though, she confessed after Andy and Jack went to play darts that she had actually noticed Maya a few times at the hospital and not just on the day they met. She was waiting all night for Maya to come over and talk to her.

"That'll teach you to go along with Jack's dumb stunts." Andy says, sitting back up.

"I know. Never again. It worked out though." Maya starts to stretch again. "Speaking of, Jack's been around a lot."

"Has he?" Andy squints at her.

"He has. Anything you want to mention?"

Andy groans. "Honestly Maya, I don't even know. Stuff with Ryan's not great and Jack's just always kind of there."

"I thought you guys wanted different things though. Or are we sweeping over the whole proposal thing?"

"We aren't sweeping, I just... look, I don't know okay? I don't know. Be glad you have Carina." She jumps up and starts jogging on the spot and Maya doesn't press.

"Race you to the end of the block? I'll give you a head start."

Andy glances at the road and then back up at Maya, "I hate you," she groans but she's already jogging.

"You love me."

––––

It should be weirder than it is, watching Carina flit around in her kitchen.

It's just past 9am and Maya is supervising (which really just means sitting at the island stealing pieces of fruit) while Carina cooks breakfast. Maya is not incompetent in the kitchen by any means but when she doesn't eat at work she prefers something quick so it's usually smoothies or overnight oats for her. Carina had shuddered at her suggestion of oats, claimed it was too dreary for a Saturday morning and Maya had been demoted from sous-chef to dishwasher.

Their late night in ended with Carina sleeping over. Maya had wanted to make something but her shift ran late and by the time she got done with work she was too tired to cook.

Carina was already halfway to her place so she stopped at the 24 hour taco spot, grabbed tacos, chicken for herself, veggie for Carina and headed home. They ate while watching some Netflix original about a stalker and Carina must have been really tired because midway through the guys arrest she had started to lean heavily into Maya. She offered to pause it and head to bed with her but Carina had insisted, all, _'I'm not sleepy, I'm watching don't stop it,_ but not even 5 minutes later her breathing evened out and she was out like a light. 

Maya had turned off the TV then, careful not to move too much and wake Carina and after a glance at the door of her bedroom, resigned herself to a night on the couch.

"Maya? Where is the whisk?" Carina turns to her, holds out a hand and there's a bit of flour on her cheek that Maya wants to thumb away.

"In the third drawer, opposite the sink."

The sun is steaming through the curtains, and as Carina turns back to the counter a sunbeam hits her face, highlights her cheekbones. 

It's strange, a few weeks ago Maya would have actively denied wanting anything like this, but as she points out cupboards and hands off utensils to Carina, she can't imagine being anywhere else.

"What are you making again? Pancakes?"

Carina shakes her head. "They are a little bit like pancakes, but more like a crepe. It's called crespelle."

"That sounds good. I can help if you want, I feel so useless just sitting here and letting you do all the work."

"I don't mind. I've been making this recipe since I was a child. Well, not this exact recipe but something similar."

"Really? I could only make toast when I was a kid. And even that I burned most of the time."

Carina smiles as she heats up the skillet. "Even when my father wasn't busy with work, he couldn't be bothered with small things like breakfast so I was left to myself a lot."

Carina says this without any particular emotion, like it's a fact, something she has long since made peace with. Maya can't imagine it. The idea of a disengaged father is completely foreign to her. From the moment she'd turned 6 and shown potential as a runner, her dad had planned every single part of her life. Meals, and training and even her social life happened when he said so and when she was a kid she used to wish for some breathing room, wanted to be allowed to a make a mistake and not have the world fall down but she knows it was all for her own good.

"Did your mom teach you how to make it, then?" Maya says, biting into a strawberry as she gathers her thoughts.

"No, by the time I was 5 she and Andrea were already in America. There was a neighborhood woman, Lía, she was nosey and would check in on me all the time. She taught me."

"Do you still keep in touch?"

"Yes. Not very often because she is quite old now but we speak on the phone every few weeks and she tells me about her sons and her gardening. She is very proud of her peppers."

Carina blinks, like she's remembering something.

"You must love her a lot." 

Carina nods, flips the crepe into a plate. "I do. When I was younger I thought I could do everything myself and many times I refused her help but I soon realized I could not handle it all alone. I would have been, _così perso–_ lost without her interference."

Pushing back from the table, Maya sidles up to Carina at the counter, wraps her hands around her waist from behind. She has to go up on her tiptoes because even in socks Carina is still taller.

"Well, I'm glad you made it." Carina leans into the kiss Maya places on her cheek. "Who knows who else I would have making me breakfast right now if you hadn't come around?"

"Hey!" Carina taps her hand with the back of the spatula, and Maya laughs.

"I could go if you'd prefer, leave you to your coffee and sad oats." Carina makes like she's going to pull away and Maya tightens her grip, laughing.

"No, no, don't go. I'll behave."

Carina huffs out a laugh, relaxes back into Maya. 

It's quiet for a while, the occasional popping of the stovetop the only break in the silence.

It's calm and gentle and Maya closes her eyes.

They both coincidentally had a day off and when she called Carina she had really just wanted to see her, there had been no other motive. That's new too. Maya always has something in mind, she likes to know exactly what's next so she's prepared but Carina isn't like that, she just does things on a whim, decides on things seconds before they happen and when Maya is with her she feels like maybe she doesn't have to always be on the move.

"I'm going to make some eggs," Carina says over her shoulder. "Omlette or scrambled?"

"Omlette," Maya says immediately. "I'm pretty sure we have some ham left over from when Andy made quiche. And sausage too."

She takes a step back to give Carina access to the fridge and leans back on the island to watch as she cracks them with one hand.

"Lemme do those," Maya says grabbing the sausages. They're some fancy ones she got on sale and she hasn't tried them yet.

"You cannot stay still can you?" Carina comments, but she hands her the knife.

"I just want to help. You've done all the work."

Carina nods. "Okay, but this it, just let me finish the rest, alright?"

Maya shrugs. "Alright."

They get to work, Maya cutting and grilling the sausages while Carina puts on the kettle and starts the coffee maker. Maya finishes before her, tosses them into a bowl and sets the table while Carina puts the last touches on a quick fruit salad.

Maya has just about finished laying the table when–

"All I'm saying is if you use up all the hot water, it's polite to tell the next per- oh."

Andy stops walking and the person behind her, Jack, bumps into her. She looks between Maya and Carina with wide eyes. She clearly didn't expect them to be home.

"Maya, Carina, hi. I uh, I thought you guys went out for breakfast."

"We decided to stay in instead." Maya nods to Jack.

"Jack."

"Maya."

He takes a step away from where he's squashed behind Andy. She's looking straight ahead and there is obviously... something going on there but Andy's slight shake of her head when Maya raises her eyebrows gets the message across. _Not now._

"Hey, Carina," Jack says, stepping around Andy and entering the kitchen fully.

He extends a hand as if they're at some business meeting and not all standing in the kitchen in their pyjamas. Maya rolls her eyes. Carina shakes his hand and catches Maya's eye. Tilting her head towards the food she looks back up at Maya and Maya gets the idea. She really just wants to be alone with Carina but there is more than enough food and it would be shitty to eat while they just stand there so-

"Did you two want to join us?" Maya asks with little enthusiasm.

"If you insist." Jack says already walking to the table.

"Are you sure?" Andy says, grabbing Jack by the elbow before he can sit. "We wouldn't want to intrude."

"No intrusion," Carina says. "There is enough for everyone."

"Okay, if you're sure." Andy looks at Maya again and she smiles to show that it really is okay.

"I think we should eat at the dining table though, there's more room."

"Good call," Jack says picking up two bowls of food in one hand.

Showoff.

––––

"That's not how it happened, Jack."

"Pretty sure it is," Jack takes a third helping of fruit salad, drizzles it with maple syrup.

"Pretty sure you're a liar."

"Are they always like this?" Carina asks Andy.  
  
"They usually get it together for work. But yeah this is them."

"You mean _I_ get it together for work," Maya smirks. "Jack just gets lucky. Like that call last week? I was the one who noticed the flames from below and you were ready to just barge in. Like always."

Jack scoffs. "Yeah, you've got your girl here so I'm gonna let you be the hero but we all know the truth."

Maya sputters at 'your girl', but doesn't correct him, throwing her napkin at him instead. She sees Andy and Carina watching them with matching looks of amusement and tunes Jack out to listen to their conversation.

"They remind me if me and my brother." Carina is saying.

"That's the other doctor DeLuca, right? I've met him on a few calls."

Carina nods. "Yes. My little brother."

"That must be fun, I can't imagine having a sibling, let alone working with one." 

"I wish you'd tell him that. He was so upset when I started working there."

"Really? Working with people you know is the dream. At least that's how it is at '19. It's nice to work with people who get you, especially Maya. Even if she is freakishly neat."

Maya rolls her eyes at 'freakishly neat' but stays quiet.

Carina grins. "She is very organized, yes."

"Organized is one word for it. Once, I put some books in the bookcase, because that's literally what it's there for and she got on me about negative space. It's a bookcase."

Carina turns to look at that very bookcase now. "I can see why you would want to add some books but as a decorating choice it looks better empty, no?"

Andy groans, "not you too!"

Carina bumps her shoulder and laughs and Andy breaks and laughs too. Carina looks up, right at Maya and she knows she probably has some dopey look on her face but she doesn't even care. 

"I'm going to get more coffee, does anyone want something from the kitchen?" Maya asks the table.

"I'm good." Andy says and Jack shakes his head. 

"More tea?" Carina holds up her mug and Maya walks over and grabs it, brushes their fingers together as she leaves.

She can hear them all talking from the kitchen as she waits on the kettle. She wasn't exactly pleased at Jack and Andy crashing their breakfast but Carina had pulled her aside, reminded her that they would have the whole day together and it just hadn't seemed like a big deal after that. 

The kettle whistles and Maya adds honey to the mug and fills it up. She refills her coffee as well and heads back to the table.

"This was a really great spread," Jack says. "The crepes especially, good stuff."

"Those are crespelle, not crepes." Maya corrects, because she can't help it even if she just learned of them a few minutes ago and she catches Carina hiding a smile behind her mug.

"Whatever they are, they're great."

"Thank you," Carina says.

Jack nods, then turns to Maya with a suspiciously innocent look. "What did you make, Maya?"

"The sausage."

"Aren't these the ones from Trader Joes? The pre made ones?"

"You really shouldn't piss off the cook, Jack, especially when you're eating for free."

"Thought we established that Carina was the only cook here."

They squint at each other, break out into wide, fake grins and Andy and Carina roll their eyes in unison.

"Anyways," Andy waves a hand between them. "Did you guys have any plans for today?"

"Not really. We were probably just going to lounge around all day?" Maya directs the last part to Carina and she nods. They've both been so busy this week, only having time for brief calls and texts and Maya just wants to just laze about, eat takeout and get extensively reacquainted with Carina's body.

"A day in sounds nice." Andy pushes her plate away. "I wish I was staying in. My dad wants me to come over and sort through my stuff."

"He's really going through with this move, huh?"

"Yeah." Andy sighs. "He keeps threatening to bring everything to the station if I don't get my stuff out by Monday."

"I keep telling you not to worry because I'm going to help," Jack says and Maya watches them exchange a look and files that away too.

"We should head out, I know you must be itching to get us out of here." Jack says, pushing away from the table."We've got the dishes."

Carina shakes her head. "You don't have to do that–"

"We kinda do though." Andy starts gathering the plates. "Seriously, you made a whole meal, we can do the dishes."

Andy passes a bowl to Jack, stacks the last few plates together and heads for the kitchen. Maya reaches out, grabs her wrist on her way out. She taps until Andy stops walking. "We are so talking later. And don't try to stay at your dads to get out of it."

Andy chuckles but nods. "Fine, fine. I'll pick-up some pizza from Rocco's and we'll talk. Tonight?"

"Tonight," Maya promises.

Carina smiles at her from across the table when Andy leaves. "That was nice, eating breakfast with them. They're together?"

"You caught that huh?" Maya shakes her head. "Of course you did. You don't miss a thing."

Carina walks around the table, wraps a hand around Maya's neck and plops down into her lap.

"How long do you think it will take them to finish with the dishes?" Carina asks. Maya puts a hand on her thigh, lifts her a little to reposition and doesn't miss the way Carina's eyes darken at the slight manhandling.

Carina hooks a finger in her collar and pulls her in for a kiss, bites down on Maya's bottom lip before pulling away.

"Hopefully not um, not too long." Maya sighs. "I have plans, staying in bed and getting naked kind of plans and I would prefer an empty house. You know you get _loud_."

Carina laughs, light and airy and Maya grins, pulls her in closer. "If anyone is the loud one Maya, it's you."

"Is that right?"

"Mmhm. Do I have to remind y-"

"–'kay guys?" Andy calls out. "The kitchen isn't that far away and also it has no doors. So we can hear like, everything."

Carina and Maya burst out into laughter and Maya hides her face in Carina's chest. "Oh my _god._ "

She can feel the vibrations from Carina laughing against her cheek.

"Just tell me when they leave."

* * *

Carina has had her share of romps and flings but actual long term relationships were few and far between. Other than an ill-advised 6 month affair at 19, with her classmate, which ended once she realized it was Helena, his older sister, who was truly the object of her affections and not Luca (he got over it and they stayed good friends, to this day he brings up the affair whenever he wants a favor) her most significant relationship adult relationship lasted for just under a year. 

Leila was beautiful and elusive and that was what had drawn Carina to her in the first place. A grad student from Lebanon who worked on her dissertation about as much as she worked on her partying, she had moved to Madrid around the same time as Carina and they found solace in each other. They got together a few times but lost contact soon after, work and school eating up their time.

They reunited some years later, through mutual friends and the attraction was still there so they had started seeing each other. Nothing serious. Or so Carina thought. Within months it became clear that the Leila of old, who boasted a cool, detetched demeanor was gone. Left in her wake was a clingy, needy replacement who wanted to be by Carina's side constantly.

Carina, reeling from the recent loss of her mother, and the actualization that life in Madrid was not at all what she had pictured, just went with it. The relationship was pure drama, but it was entertaining and as fucked as that was, they both knew it. Explosive fights ended more than often with Leila storming out only to appear days later, sweet talking her way into Carina's flat and then her bed and the cycle would begin again.

At their best, they were great friends and there might have even been genuine love there but it would always remain platonic. Both unwilling to be the one to end it, Leila because she liked the idea of a relationship and Carina because she didn't care enough, they would pick fights until neighbours were banging on walls but never call it off. 

Everything came to a head when Carina informed Leila, over text, after their latest fight about moving in (because that was exactly what they needed) that she would be leaving for America within a week and would Leila please come and collect her things? Leila came prepared to fight but Carina was already was half an ocean away and wouldn't engage. Once Leila understood that, the fire went out. They spent the day drinking and sleeping together, reminiscing over the few good times they had and when Leila had wished her well abroad, Carina could tell she mostly meant it. But as Leila called for a taxi home it was relief and not pain that washed over Carina and she knew leaving was the right decision. She left those up and down entanglements in Madrid, and vowed off any similar involvements.

Vowed off relationships in general, actually, but then a tiny firefighter had somehow appeared in her life. 

And Carina isn't that person anymore, she's older and more learned, has done the work and knows what she will and won't take. But she also doesn't want to stop and think and rationalize, she just wants Maya and maybe it isn't wise, but it's the truth.

Maya is fiercely loyal and maybe the most earnest person Carina has ever met. She tries to cover it up with distance and indifference, but as they spend more time together, the walls come down.

Carina has never been a particularly affectionate person, with all her previous partners, non sexual intimacy was always a sign that she needed to move on but Maya is always touching her. Whether it's a hand in hers or an arm around her waist in bed or a finger in her beltloops, Maya always finds some way for them to be connected and there had been no moment of adjustment, it just felt like something they always did. When they're together Carina finds herself meeting Maya halfway and she misses the warmth of her when she isn't there.

The initial infatution has given way to something less frenzied but no less passionate.

They have built somewhat of a routine, despite their conflicting work hours. When Maya stays over, as she so often does these days, Carina sleeps better, and most of the time Maya is already gone off to work by the time she wakes up but there is always tea or croissants or even protein smoothies waiting in the kitchen for her. Secretly, Carina thinks they taste like the physical manifestation of the color grey. She drinks them anyway, despite the teasing from Amelia who tasted one once and accused her of drinking concrete, because she knows Maya makes them especially for her and that makes it go down easier.

Visitng each other at work becomes a part of their routine as well. Usually Maya comes to Carina, as she has an office and they are less likely to be interrupted. The fire station is fine but there are prying eyes and open spaces with almost no where for privacy. They don't often make it through a whole lunch usually interrupted by Maya getting a call but she feels welcome by everyone there, and she even gets to watch, from the safety of the catwalk (even though it's technically closed to civilians, perks of dating the captains bestfriend) as Maya gets ready, changes into her gear and prepares the truck.

––––

All their dates are amazing but Carina thinks the park will always be her favorite. 

They eventually make it to Avante, use their reservation on a ridiculous amount of food and Carina shows Maya how to use injera to pick up food and eat with it. Maya catches on quick, finshes her plate then orders the spiciest thing on the menu. She insists on it, even when Habiba, the owner warns her that it can be overpowering.

Maya maintains that she can handle it, even as her face turns progressively redder and Carina just watches, bemused, and finally, when it gets to be too much, passes her the glass of milk she ordered in advance, knowing this would happen.

Maya downs it, then orders another and Carina hands her her own water in the meantime.

They finish their meal soon after and Carina pays while Maya is in the bathroom.

She pokes fun at Maya for it and Maya tries to play it off but on their drive home admits that maybe, just a little, the meal was too much for her.

They are both stubborn, Maya more than Carina but it never turns, doesn't get hard or malicous. Carina recognizes that for Maya it's less of a control thing and really more of a front.

She determines other quirks of Maya's too, finds out early on that Maya is a planner. She likes to know what's happening, would make an itinerary for their dates if she could, include floor plans and all but Carina attributes that to the firefighter in her.

They explore Seattle, because Maya has lived there for almost all her life but hasn't ventured out past her tried and true spots but Carina is technically still new to the city and she coaxes Maya into roaming with her. 

Late September, they attend the city's Nuit Blanche, the all night art festival, and wander amidst performances and green museums and giant art installations. Maya surprises her, makes her close her eyes and follow her into a darkened town home and Carina expects a haunted house or something of the like but when she opens her eyes she's standing in the middle of a breathtaking installation.

Carina had mentioned before, during one of their early phone conversations, that becoming an artist was her fall back plan, and she faintly recalls mentioning her favorite artists but she hadn't known Maya had been taking it in, all the way back then.

The artist who created the work she's standing in is one of the best, a contemporary female sculpturer named Melinda Yee who is infamous for her secret pop up shows and Carina has always been too busy or too late to attend but somehow she's standing in the middle of one. Maya grins shyly, when Carina exclaims and tries to brush it off but Melinda's shows are hard to track down and famed for their misdirection so she knows this wasn't an easy find.

It's eclectic and ethereal, the entire townhouse transformed into an interactive garden made entirely from found objects. Carina gets to touch and examine pieces she has only seen online, and she gets so excited, starts mixing up her languages, only catching herself halfway through an explanation of one of the beaded rosebushes when she sees Maya staring at her lips with the look she gets when she speaks Italian. Half turned on, half intently trying to parse out what she's saying.

She doesn't stop, just keeps explaining and Maya just nods and nods. Points out things for her to describe and when she runs out of real facts she makes things up. Maya doesn't seem to care, she just listens like Carina is reciting some important creed and when she finishes she sighs, kisses her softly, in the middle of a makeshift garden of eden. They get told off by the seciruty guard for taking too long at that particular station but they're already on their way out.

Carina's phone dies so she borrows Maya's to make a call and notices that in the notes app she's written down the names of every piece they saw and that night Maya asks her about each one, and this time Carina explains in english, over a glass of wine and in front of the fire. She traces patterns on Maya's stomach from where she is layed out on the rug and when words fail her she pulls out her sketchbook and doodles her answers. They're rough, she hasn't drawn or painted in ages but Maya looks at them like they're masterpieces and asks if she can keep one and Carina says yes, feels her face heat up as she melts all the way to her toes.

In early October, Maya comes to visit her but is stopped by Amelia in the hallway and they get to talking. Someone brings up hockey and when they enter Carina's office they're still talking about it. Carina doesn't much care for hockey, her sport is football, but Amelia and Maya make plans to go see the Maple somebodies versus the Thunderbirds and when Maya leans across the desk, kisses her hello and says, 'you'll come too?' Carina just nods helplessly. 

That is how she finds herself at the New Arena a week later surrounded by screaming fans. It turns out a lot more of their friends like hockey than she thought, most notably Maggie, who screams and heckles with the best of them. Vic and Jack and have come along as well but neither are as impassioned as Maya or Amelia. 

Alone, they are magnificent but together, at a hockey game? The noise they make is enough for a crowd. They engage almost everyone around them and Carina would be worried worried about getting kicked out if nearly all the other fans weren't just as wild as them.

Maya explained the game to her earlier and Amelia keeps her updated, points out plays and players but it isn't until the first fight on the ice that Carina really gets into it. The fight is broken up quickly, and no one is seriously inuired but the players are benched and the game seems to turn electric after that. All too soon, the game comes down to the final minutes and Carina throws her borrowed beanie into the ring with everyone else after a hat trick and Maya squeezes her hand.

Their team wins and even though Carina only understood about half of what was happening she joins in the excited yelps and celebrations of the crowd. Hockey will never be her game but she is glad she came. 

She says this to Maya as they wait for Jack to pull the car around from the parking stalls. Maya's smug little ' _told you so_ ' only makes Carina want to kiss her and she does, sliding still cold hands under her jumper and splaying her hands across the small of her back. She shivers but returns the kiss, only pulling away once their friends start teasing. 

They head to Joe's after, and Maya gets everyone drinks. Carina gets a club soda with Amelia and they sit at the bar, watch the others play pool. Amelia says that she thinks she's a little bit in love with Maya, jokes about them sharing and Carina just laughs.   
It's all more than she expected; a chance meeting at a bar turned into something more, something real and solid.

That night as they get ready for bed, she watches Maya brush her teeth, makes faces at her in the mirror as she applies her moisturizer and she feels something warm and unfamiliar blooming over her heart. She stops massaging her face and blinks at herself in the mirror. It's definitely not... that. It's too soon for that but it feels like maybe it could turn into that and if it scares her it'll certainly scare Maya. She buries that thought, taps the remainder of her product into her cheeks and exchanges a minty kiss with Maya when she's done.

Grabbing her by the wrist, she leads her to bed and spends hours transferring all those feelings into something she can use, something she can touch. Maya always gives as good as she gets but tonight she's reserved, content to let Carina have her way. When she comes for the final time, she flushes darkly, from her hairline to her beasts and Carina crawls up her body, and kisses her and kisses her and kisses her, until Maya has recovered enough and works a hand between them. There are no more thoughts then, no more of anything, just bodies. 

––––  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to the people who pointed out the stuff about amelia in the previous chapter, ive amended it:)


	5. days and nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter got away from me, guess i have more thoughts on carina than i knew whoops. what's that saying? im the captain now? ya.

The summer Carina turns 25, her mother finally pays her a visit.

After months of no communication from both ends, they had started to speak again, at the request of her brother. It wasn't easy; her father was unstable and eccentric but he had (somewhat) raised her so she understood him. Knew how to talk him down, how to relate to him. Unlike her mother, Gianna DeLuca, with whom she had an unsteady relationship.

The daughter of wealthy scholars from the South of Italy, Gianna had disappointed her parents when she cut her own medical career short to wed her classmate, a struggling medical student. Young and in love, she soon became pregnant with Carina and a few years later had Andrea as well. Carina remembers her mother growing quiet, no longer singing in the kitchen or reading her books. It was alright though, because her Papa made enough noise the both of them, took her on adventures around their town, late into the night, sometimes forgot to pack food but they had fun so it didn't matter. She remembers thinking they balanced each other out, her parents. But she also remembers her mother hugging her, tightly, so tight she could barely breathe and then walking out of the front door and never coming back.

For 12 days Carina had been perched on the windowsill outlooking the front of the house because her parents had explained, used words like custodia and divorzio but she was only 5 and she didn't understand. All she knew was that her mother and baby Andrea were going to come back and she wanted to be the first to greet them.  
  
Eventually her Papa made her stop, told her in no uncertain terms that Mamma and Andrea were gone and that it would only be them from now on. Carina had cried and called him a liar but after 2 months they'd still not returned and she understood that he was telling the truth. 

It was lonely, at first. No more baby Andrea to dress up, no one to read to her and give her too tight pigtails or make her go to mass on Easter. 

By the age 9 she doesn't want for her Mamma anymore, and when she tries saying it aloud one morning the word is uncomfortable in her mouth. Gianna feels like a distant cousin and Carina loves her, but in the broad way one loves family they hardly see: because they are related but not because she knows her or truly cares for her.

Gianna left and seemingly took all her love with her. Carina and her Papa fly to America every few years but it is not the same. Even with brief calls on birthdays and holidays, there is no real relationship there.

It's better once she grows up, they can relate a bit more. Her mother speaks to her about school, what specialty she is considering. In America, Gianna is a teacher, not a doctor but she still enjoys hearing about her old dream.

So they talk about that and sometimes Gianna tries to ask about more, if she's drinking enough water, and who her friends are but Carina is young and proud and still raw and hurting from being abandoned so she doesn't let her mother in. When she gets her heart broken for the first time, she doesn't tell her, instead tells her mother that she has decided on what school to attend. They continue like this for years until a blow up when Carina is 24.

She cannot recall the fight now, something unimportant that turns big because of miscommunication, but she had felt deeply about it and when her mother doesn't call one week she pretends it doesn't hurt and doesn't call either. They go on like that until Andrea rings her, begs her to forgive their mother, claims the silence is hurting her greatly and Carina does, mostly so he will stop sending long sad emails.

They start speaking again and it's not perfect but it's something. The conversation is deeper this time, she mother seems to genuinely want to know about her and doesn't let Carina brush her off. They start to talk regularly and it's good. She still doesn't feel like her Mamma, and maybe she never will, so much of that was childhood naivete anyway, but Carina comes to care for her and as the months go by she longs to see her.

Her mother plans a trip and arrives a day early, to surprise her.

Carina had moved away at 19 but for her mother's 8 day visit she comes back to the family home. Over the few years her parents had become somewhat friendly and while it was the dream of many children of divorced parents to have them reunite, it was not Carina's.

Seeing her parents pull out pictures and reminisce as if they were a normal family was hard to take. And Carina is not quick to anger but their charade filled her with rage. Years of convincing herself that she was above it all, had forgiven her mother for abandoning her as a child seem to fade, as she watched her mother in their old home.

Carina tried to make the best of the trip but old hurt and bitterness came up and every conversation became an argument. Her mother wasn't like her father, she didn't try to goad her into a screaming match. Carina would say petty things, and her mother would stare, quietly disappointed, and leave the room. It was almost worse, in a way.

On the 4th day of her mother's trip Carina decided she was tired of fighting and resolved to make the rest of the visit as painless as possible. They had gone to see a play, one of her mother's favorites about a noble woman who leaves her husband for the gardener and afterwards they chatted easily about it, how they thought the main actress was more talented than her male lead, whom her mother had felt was not attractive enough to play a such a lothario.

Conversation was easy, and as the day wore on they went back to how they were before the visit almost ruined everything. They cook together, make fresh orecchiette with rapini an old favourite, and Carina is transported back to childhood. She lets her mother correct her as she shapes the dough and steals a sausage from the pot, like she did as a child.

Dinner is calm and this time when her mother brings up old memories Carina doesn't feel the usual burn in her chest. She accepts that they have lost time and they speak, truthfully, and frankly about their relationship. Her mother doesn't try to deny her shortcomings as a parent Carina goes to bed thinking that perhaps they can repair their relationship.

The next day her mother is dead.

Carina comes back from work to find her father in tears and when he delivers the news the whole world slips away.

She calls her brother that same day, lies to him, claims illness and not death and when he arrives he is furious, raves and shouts but she is there to catch him when he finally dissolves into tears.

They cremate her, according to her wishes and Andrea keeps her ashes.

For a month her mother is the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up and she cannot pass a mirror without seeing Gianna DeLuca looking back at her but one day she wakes up and she thinks of breakfast, not her mother and she is relieved. She loved her mother, especially at the end but in a way she had been lost to her for years.

She tells all this to Maya, on a rainy Novemeber morning. It's her mother's birthday and normally the day passes without incident but she woke up thinking of her and couldn't shake it.

Maya listens intently and Carina likes that she doesn't offer empty platitudes.

Instead, she whispers, "I wish she got to know you in all the ways you wanted," and Carina doesn't realize she's crying, hot tears falling off the edge of her nose, until Maya wipes softly at her face with her thumb.

She covers Carina's body with hers, peppers kisses into the hollow of her throat, murmurs soothing words. Carina can't make out her words, Maya is talking too low but she rarely lets herself be this soft and Carina knows this, appreciates that she is one of the few people that sees this side of Maya.

Carina is drifting off to sleep, calmed by Maya's efforts when Maya moves back, jumps up and out of bed. 

"One sec," she says and leaves for the kitchen.

She's holding a tray when she comes back, with a small plate and a mug on it. The plate holds broken vegetable crackers, a dallop of hummus and a handful of almonds scattered messily in the middle. In the mug is pink hibiscus tea, the one Maya says tastes the most like grass water.

"I bought some last week, it's the brand you like," Maya says, looking down at the table and then up at Carina again. "I was trying to do a comfort food thing but I'm out of basically everything and this was all we have."

Carina smiles, holds out a hand for Maya as she gets back into the bed with her. Maya is sweet and sincere even though she is obviously out of her depth but she is trying, so hard.

Maya hates crumbs in bed but she lets her eat, passes Carina almonds, one by one and Carina understands that this is her way of taking care of her.

The tea is almost gone and Maya is taking the tray back to the kitchen when Carina gets a call.

It's the owner of some bar uptown, he informs her that her brother is drunk and warns that if she doesn't come for him he will call the police. 

Carina has to leave the warmth of Maya's bed, and borrow her car as well because Maya had picked her up from work the night before.

Andrea is slumped over the bar when she arrives and she has to threaten to pour cold water on him to get him to stand. She deposits him into the back seat of the car and slams the door. The drive to his place is long and he's almost asleep when she gets there. They stumble the front door and she drops him on the couch. After forcing him to drink 2 glasses of water, she lets him sleep and stays for a few hours to make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit.

He wakes two times and she gives him aspirin and some juice. The second time he's a little bit more cognizant and he tells her to leave. They argue a little because Carina thinks he should be more grateful.

"I didn't have to come and collect you Andrea, I had plans." Carina says, and there is no anger in her voice just tiredness. 

Andrea watches her silently. "Do you even care?"

Carina doesn't have to ask him to elaborate because this is an old argument. Andrea doesn't understand Carina's relationship with their Mamma, thinks her cold where their mother is concerned because she doesn't become a drunken mess every year on her birthday or death day.

She opens her mouth to respond but decides against and leaves instead. He probably won't remember anyway.

She stops at a corner store, buys the first cigarettes she sees and a cheap lighter with a smiley face on it. She hasn't smoked in years but she leans on the car and opens the pack. The first drag is bitter and she doesn't cough but it settles harshly in her throat and she cringes at the taste, can't believe she used to go through entire packs in days, back in university.

She sits in Maya's car with the engine off in the driveway, memories of her family from before and after the seperation swimming in her head. There's a rap on the window that pulls her from her thoughts and she rolls down the window when she sees Maya.

"You gonna hang in there all day?" Maya jokes but Carina can see worry in her eyes.

"Is your brother okay?"

Carina nods. "He might have a bad hangover when he wakes up tomorrow but he'll be fine."

Maya steps back as she rolls up the window and steps out of the car. She knows she smells of smoke and Maya is so close she has to notice but she just watches her, blue eyes wide and careful.

"Come inside?" is all Maya says and when Carina nods she takes her hand and leads her in. 

She lays down on the couch and Maya stands at the edge, looking frustrated. Carina can tell it's because she doesn't know how to help because the pain isn't something Maya can just go out and conquer and her heart warms because she has never had someone want to fight for her, like this.

"Come here," Carina says and Maya goes, climbs onto her and sits with a knee on either side of her.

"Tell me about her," Maya says.

Carina doesn't answer, and Maya must mistake the silence as refusal because she rushes to take it back. "You don't have to, you've already told me so much, it's just, I've heard talking can help and-"

"She was beautiful." Carina says and Maya relaxes, slides warm palms under Carina's top.

"What did she look like?"

"Her hair was wavy and dark, almost black, and she always kept it long. And she had the most beautiful green eyes." Carina pulls Maya down to her, presses a kiss to the side of her head, feels Maya solid and warm and present and continues.

"I used to get so upset when people told me that I looked like my father and not her. "

Maya repositions, runs a finger across her collar.

"Andrea looks like her, the same nose and long eyelashes. I always thought they were wasted on a boy."  
  
She says this with feigned lightness but as she continues telling Maya of her mother it becomes real. Maya is curious about her childhood and Carina recalls memories she had buried deep. Her mother will never be an uncomplicated topic and it still aches when she thinks of what could have been but she doesn't get lost in it, not with Maya there with her.

"We should probably get dinner," Maya says sleepily into her neck once she stops speaking and Carina nods.

They're waiting on their chinese delivery to arrive because it's too late and neither of them wants to go back out in the rain when Maya says, quietly, "I didn't know you smoked."

"It's a terrible habit I dropped years ago but sometimes..." Carina sits up. "It wasn't the same this time, I think the time has passed for me. "

"I've never smoked," Maya says thoughtfully, "and my coping mechanisms basically all include working out which you hate. But um, if you ever need to let it out, to just deal, you know I'm here." She looks unblinkingly up at Carina, caresses her face and once again Carina is struck with a feeling of unwavering comfort.

She pulls Maya down and kisses her hungrily, messily.

They don't get much further because the food arrives but that night when she's back in her apartment and preparing for tomorrow's work day she can still feel the shadow of Maya's arms around her, keeping her safe.

* * *

A few weeks go by and autumn starts to fade away; the sun sets earlier and the mornings are diabolically cold.

The Fall Harvest Fair, which Carina had never heard of prior to Maya bringing it up a few days ago, is very crowded. Seems the entire city is out tonight. Personally, Carina thinks November is a little late to be throwing a fair but at least it's not raining.

Half of the firefighters from station 19 are there because their tickets are comped, some government thank you incentive thing or something, Carina was a little... distracted when Maya told her about it.

She invites Amelia, because this is 'so her kind of thing' (her words). Andrea has come as well because Carina paid for his tickets and presented them to him as a peace offering and he accepted them, gruffly. They will have to have a real conversation eventually but for now they're okay.

They've been at the actual fair for only half an hour, Andrea and Amelia got caught up at the food stalls while the rest of them spent the first hour tasting various pumpkin flavoured beers. Everyone broke up into groups with Andy and the rest of the fire-crew lining up for rides with the exception of Vic and Maya who wanted to do some maze thing.

Carina doesn't really mind either way, she's warm enough and with the fair lights shining down on them, luminating the grounds in oranges and purples it's very picturesque and all American, like something that would be on a website promoting a state so she's mostly just taking it in. So far she has seen people eating turkey legs the size of her head and cotton candy sold in tubs. She bought some immediately but underestimated the sweetness and ended up giving it to Vic. She seems seems to be enjoying it, showing everyone her blue tongue every so often.

There is a scream, obviously mechanical, from somewhere on Carina's left and she turns towards the sound and spots a game that reads, in garrish red letters: 'WHAK-A-MOLE'. She's never played but she has a pretty good idea what it is. She's more interested in the prizes inside the booth, ranging from ribbons and vouchers to oversized stuffed animals.

"That looks fun," Carina says and Maya looks over her shoulder to where she's pointing.

She hears a groan from behind her and turns to see Vic shaking her head.

"You've just unleashed the beast," is all she says and Carina is confused until she looks back down at Maya and sees her eyes narrowed, face drawn in determination.

It's silly but they're at a fair and they've a had pumpkin cinnamon beers and the fat sloth hanging upside down from the booth really is adorable so she presses a kiss to Maya's cheek and says, offhandedly, "those stuffed animals are cute."

Maya glances at them, then back at Carina and nods slightly to herself.

"You want one?" Maya asks, and she looks like she's prepping for battle and this time Carina can't hold back her smile. She nods and Maya grabs her hand and walks them over to the game, hands 5 dollars to the bored teenaged boy manning the booth and gets 3 tokens back.  
  
"You know," Vic says, following them,"these games are totally rigged. They're just a moneygrab."

"We'll see," Maya says, and wields the hammer like it's actual moles she's hitting and not plastic.

The first game is over in 60 seconds, and Maya doesn't hit a single one. The second game goes the same way and Carina is waving away any chances of ever getting the sloth but during the third game Maya gets 3 out of 5 moles which means she gets a prize but only from the bottom tier. The options are ribbons in various colors that state the name of the fair and Maya just stares blankly at the attendant when he hold up a pink one.

"Look, I know they're basically a scam but I'm actually pretty good at these. Let me try," Vic offers.

"You're not winning my girlfriend a prize," Maya grumbles, handing the attendant 5 more dollars.

It's the first time either of them has referred to the other as girlfriend. They've been mostly talking around it, the past few weeks especially, (last week Maya introduced her to her old Captain as 'my, um, Carina') but upon hearing this Carina steps behind Maya, wraps both hands around her neck and leans down to rest her head on her shoulder.

"Babe, I need room if I'm going to crush them," Maya says, but her cheeks are flushed and she's smiling, the shy smile she gives Carina when it's just the two of them.

"I don't really need the sloth, Maya," Carina says and Maya turns around so fast her hair tickles Carina's cheek and coconut shampoo wafts in her face. 

"You want it though, right?"

"Yes. Bu-"

"Then I'm winning it for you." Maya says and Carina doesn't argue, just takes a step back so Maya can have space to play.

Vic moves to stand next to her, raises her eyebrows and slides her eyes over to Maya, rolling her eyes at her serious stance but gives her a fond grin when she starts playing again.

Jack and Andy walk up just as the game gets going, and Vic explains the process.

"I want a bear," Andy says. "No wait, a whale."

"I can win a bear," Jack says, confidently and this time all the women roll their eyes, only because if anyone is more competitive than Maya, it's Jack and even then, it's a draw. 

The game starts a 10 second countdown and previously this is where it's always taken a turn for Maya but she seems to have worked out the pattern and within the final 3 seconds she's gotten every single mole.

Maya spins around and the look on her face is very much 'did you see' and Carina pulls her in by her waist, kisses her soundly on the mouth because she did.

"Which," Maya says finally pulling back with a sigh, "um, which one did you want again?"

Carina points to the sloth, a stuffed animal half her size and covered in shaggy fur and Maya hands over the hammer to the attendant and then watches as he gets it down. 

She offers it to Carina, says "for you," with a triumphant grin. Carina takes it and then grabs Maya's hands.

They're cold, because she took off her gloves to play the game and Carina rubs them between hers. 

"My turn," Jack says and Maya looks to him but Carina recognizes the glint in her eyes, pulls her away before they can start with one of their infamous back and forths.

"No more games, let's go on a ride."

Maya nods, lets Carina lead them away and into the crowd, only stopping to buy a candy apple.

They end up on a rickety ferris wheel and Carina is only half convinced it's not going to blow away but Maya assures that it's all regulation.

She's still a little unsure but when they get to the top Maya points out all the things they can see and tells her ridiculous facts about Seattle and Carina is too busy trying to figure out what's true and what's made up to be scared anymore.

At the end of the night Carina drives because they pass by a booth with free cider and Maya drinks a two full cups not realizing how strong it is. Maya talks Carina into staying over and she does even though she has work, bright and early the next day. 

"Did you have fun tonight?" Maya asks sleepily, when they're laying in bed. She's obviously fighting to stay awake playing with Carina's fingers, extra affectionate in the way she gets when she's had a few.

"I did. No one's ever won me a prize before," Carina admits and Maya gasps, still slightly tipsy, and it turns into a yawn.

"Really?" Maya says, cuddling up to a pillow.

Carina nods.

"Okay, well, now you have me. I'll win you whatever you want, I'll win you all the prizes and you can have..." the rest of the sentence is lost to a low snore.

Carina laughs at the sight, and  
reaches over to turn off the lamp. She situates herself, slides a leg over Maya's body and a hand over her torso.

She is already picturing the sloth in her office, knows the children who accompany their mothers to appointments will like it and that night she dreams of falling leaves and cinnamon flavoured kisses.

* * *

It's been raining, or rather, drizzling all week, light droplets, off and on. Seattle in November is all rain and Carina is still not quite used to it, the start and stop of the weather, after all this time. 

She's inside now, tucked away in the corner of her office trying to finish her black bean burger before her next appointment. Rounds, back to back deliveries and 3 consults in the ED mean Carina has been on her feet almost 8 hours and this is her first break of the day.

She ducks into her office to grab a bite, taking advantage of the lull after her last patient. Iris, 44 years old and 28 weeks pregnant, she woke up in a pool of her own blood and with no one around drove herself to the hospital. Calm as she could be, she explained that her husband was away and she couldn't find her phone to call the emergency line. Carina had ordered a blood transfusion and admitted her for further observation and they'd had a chat about baby names, if unisex was the way to go.

She has 30 minutes before her next appointment, Lilly, who always arrives in with a list of questions because her last pregnancy was traumatic and she still blames herself, Carina knows.

Lilly arrives early, with a notebook full of quesitons and Carina puts the last of her meal away, patiently counters her fears with facts, reassures her when she starts to cry.

Amelia and Maggie stop by after, invite her to dinner but she's exhausted and they schedule something for later in the week. 

—————

There's a knock on Carina's door around 1am and she wouldn't even have woken up because she sleeps like the dead but the person, whoever they are, is literally pounding on her door. She hesitates before answering because it's late and everyone she knows is asleep. Her sleep adled mind faintly remembers that her neighbour Mr. Rodriguez, sometimes gets confused and thinks her apartment is his so she slips her feet into bedroom slippers, grabs a robe and creeps into the living room.

Opening the door, she's faced, not with the greying head of her neighbour but instead with Maya, standing in the hallway, covered in dirt. She's still in uniform and her ponytail is loose, wisps of hair and debris stuck to her cheeks.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Maya says, and Carina would laugh because she clearly did with all her banging but Maya's face is drawn, her voice hardly above a whisper.

"You can always wake me." Carina says, wrapping a hand around Maya's wrist and walking them to the couch.

She gives Maya a quick once over, to make sure she isn't hurt but in the dark she can't see much.

She turns the lights on and sits back on the couch, crosses her legs. Up close Carina can see small cuts scattered across Maya's forehead. They're likely superficial wounds but they should be cleaned.

"Maya? What happened, what's going on?" she asks, gentling her voice. She tries to meet her eyes but Maya won't look away from where her gaze is fixed on the carpet.

She's never seen Maya like this, all hard lines, hands balled into fists. She's sitting ramrod straight, staring out unseeingly into the living room. 

Carina moves to the floor, so she's in her line of sight but when Maya's eyes meet hers they're glistening with unshed tears.

There have been hard calls before but she has never seen Maya actually cry. Carina remembers months ago when Maya had come back from an overnight shift, quiet and standoffish and had told her about the family they had lost. They talked about it and she hadn't reacted like this. Right now Carina's mind is running wild with potiential deaths in her department and she wishes Maya would say something. 

"Is everyone alright? Did-"

"Everyone's okay. No one got hurt. No one you know."

That makes Carina pause but it doesn't seem like she's going to continue. Carina makes sure she sees her, slowly lifts her hand to caress Maya's cheek and she is stiff at first, but quickly melts into the touch, closes her eyes.

The tears fall and Carina bites her lip against her own unexpected onslaught of emotion because Maya is strong and capable but she looks so small and distressed and she won't speak. She tugs Maya down to the rug with her, covers her with her arms and presses her to her chest. 

She can feel her nightshirt getting wet with tears. Maya is trembling and her breath is coming out in tiny little gasps. She's mumbling something, a name, it sounds like Jason and and Carina isn't sure what's happening but she can feel Maya's heart racing.

It looks like a panic attack. Carina has never had one but she has seen other have them, so she has some idea of what to do. She looks down into Maya's eyes, speaks softly, tries to show Maya how to breathe with her, _in and out._ She does, after watching her for a bit and she's still shaking but she isn't panting anymore, and the fear that Maya is going to hyperventilate in her living room fades some.

They keep breathing together for a few minutes and Carina murmurs calming words, undoes Maya's ponytail and runs careful fingers though her hair.

Maya shakes her off suddenly, moves away.

"Sorry," she bites at the inside of her cheek. "I thought I was over that, I didn't mean to— sorry."

And Carina's heart breaks because she can sense the embarrassment rolling off Maya in waves. She obviously thinks she's doing something wrong, that having a panic attack is some sort of moral failure. Carina wants to fill her with assurances, tell her it's not her fault, but now isn't the time.

"You have nothing to apologize for, bella."

Maya just blinks red rimmed eyes at her and Carina tries again. "Do you want to tell what happened? Who is Jason?"

Maya looks away. "Not Jason. Mason. My brother."

Carina blinks.

Opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Maya has never mentioned a brother. She isn't exactly forthcoming with information, guarded, is how Carina would have described her, especially in the beginning. Maya has only referenced her family in passing but Carina knows that they moved from New York when she was 3, knows her parents names, that they live in a suburb about an hour away.

Hearing this, that there is a whole part of her life that Carina has been blissfully unware of? It makes her feel cold, offbeat, like maybe Maya still doesn't trust her and Carina has always found her easy to read, almost hopelessly transparent but now, she isn't sure. 

She thinks back to a couple of weeks ago, how she introduced Maya to her mother through memories and how intently Maya had listened, told her _'I'm here'_. She wonders if Maya knows that it goes both ways, or at least it is supposed to. 

She isn't sure she succeeds but she tries not to let any of this show on her face because Maya is looking at her very carefully, like she expects her to be angry, and Carina isn't mad, a little confused, mostly she just wants to know more.

"Your brother, Mason. Is he the one that's hurt?"

Maya lifts her shoulders and Carina thinks it's supposed to be a shrug but she doesn't quite make it.

Her bottom lip wavers as she speaks. 

"There was a fire," she starts, "those apartments on Baker, they're pretty run down, practically kindling. They burned down in minutes."

"And Mason, he was inside?" Carina asks, reaches over to take Maya's hand but she flinches, and Carina puts her hand back in her own lap, pushes down the pang of hurt because it's not about her right now.

"Yeah. He wasn't harmed, he was on the first floor staying with friends. No casualties, a few 1st degree burns and lots of smoke inhalation. But Mason." She takes a shuddering breath. "He was so high, just out of it. I— I've never seen him so far gone."

Maya wipes roughly at her face, goes on. "He wouldn't come with me. And I tried to make him but he's an adult and his friends kept blocking me and I- I-" she starts gasping again, and the tears are flowing freely now and this time Maya reaches out for her, sinks into Carina's arms.

"It's my fault," she gasps out. "I should have tried harder, but I didn't and now he's out there a-and," Maya's crying too hard to keep going and Carina just holds her, runs a gentle hand down her back.

"I am so sorry, Maya," Carina says and she feels useless even saying this because Maya is hurting and all she can offer her is words.

"It's my fault," Maya repeats and Carina pulls back, takes her face into her hands, wipes away at the tears drying on her face.

"You said his friends blocked you, you couldn't do-"

"Not today. I saw him before, a few months back. He was living in the homeless camp, and he was clean, I tried to make him come home with me but he wouldn't and I just left him there." Maya closes her eyes.

"Mason he's... he's an addict. Pills, heroin, but I don't know, he could be on other stuff, we haven't talked in over a year."

"Maya-"

"I should have tried harder. I should have gone back I- I should have—" she's working herself up again and Carina lifts her chin, catches her eye before she can spiral.

"Maya, hey, look at me. Maybe you should have tried harder to convince him to come with you but you didn't give him the drugs and you didn't force him to take them. _None_ of that is your fault."

"But it is," Maya insists. "I'm his big sister, I'm supposed to be there for him but I just left him. And not just tonight. I've never taken care of him."

Carina can somewhat understand. Afterall, she has a younger brother of her own and has always had a fierce urge to protect him too but it seems like Maya's alluding to something more than general older sibling protectiveness. 

"What do you mean?"

"Our dad was tough, strict. And I could take it, I mean- he was just old school, but Mason, he always fought back, always tried to go against whatever dad said. Even the little stuff like house rules and practice times, he just always found something wrong. And dad, he would get so mad." Maya has been getting progressively quieter as she speaks, the last few words hardly more a whisper.  
  
Maya just goes on, unloads an enitre history into Carina's lap at breakneck speed. Carina listens, doesn't interrupt just lets Maya speak. It's a lot, to go from not knowing about his existence to learning about her brother's life history in minutes.

Maya tells her how Mason started staying out late when he was 15, first drinking and then drugs, their father's pain medications. She learns that the first time he overdoses was the same day Maya was crowned at the Olympics and she gets an idea of why Maya blames herself, carries this burden on her shoulders. But as Maya speaks pieces of a story she isn't telling come together. Everytime she mentions Mason, she also mentions her father. Maya keeps using words like stern and demanding but it sounds like more than that.

"I tried to be a buffer but dad was precise and I got that, I always followed the rules because otherwise he would flip. But the rules they were for our own good, we needed discipline but, Mason didn't see it that way, he always took everything so personally and sometimes my father was harsh but it was what just tough love. I don't know why Mason couldn't see that."

It doesn't sound like tough love, whatever that even is. It sounds like her father was unyeielding and rigid, like his affection hindered on their compliance. Carina doesn't say that to Maya because she only has a little bit of the story and obviously Maya doesn't see it that way and Carina thinks perhaps now isn't the time for revelations.

"Maya, you weren't his parent, you said it yourself you are his sister. You aren't responsible for how his life turned out."

Maya sits up, slips out of her hold, scoots away. Her eyes are hard as she speaks.

"After the Olympics, we came home and the hosue was trashed. Just completely ruined and Mason tried to explain but my dad wouldn't let him. He kicked him out that night." Maya sighs. "I didn't go after him then, just like now."

She isn't crying but her voice is thick and she's folded her hand back into a fist. Carina takes her left hand, the one closest to her and slowly unfurls her fingers. There are tiny red crescents in her palms where her nails have dug into the flesh.

Carina strokes her hand, picks her next words carefully. "What would have happened if you had gone after him, did you have a plan?"

Maya looks questioningly at Carina. "What?"

"You were what, 21? Fresh from the Olympics and living at university?"

Maya nods.

"How would you have supported the both of you, your brother was already taking drugs, he would have needed intensive care."

"I had my winnings and money from sponsorships. I could have set something up for him, I could have helped. We would have been okay," Maya sounds like she's trying to convince herself.

"Maybe. But maybe not. You might have been financially stable but taking care of another person, especially an addict, it's draining. Even if you weren't a student, it would have been overwhelming." Carina brushes a thumb over her cheek. "Maya, I looked after my father my entire life, and I know it's not exactly the same as your brother but even with the best intentions, having someone depend on you like that, it is extremely challenging."

Maya glances at her, nods minutely and Carina goes on.

"You were so young, if anyone should have stepped in it should have been your parents."

Maya goes still. "My father-- my parents, did all they could. But Mason didn't want their help, they had no choice."

"Neither did you," Carina starts and she wants to keep going, explain to Maya how carrying on this burden isn't healthy, isn't hers to carry in the first place but it's late and Maya is folding her hands, retreating into herself and Carina doesn't want her to withdraw anymore than she already has.

"I should shower," Maya says suddenly and Carina knows that the conversation over.

She brushes Maya's hair back from her face. "You have some minor cuts, let me clean them."

"Don't," Maya says, standing up and walking to the bathroom.

Carina follows her because she knows Maya is trying to punish herself and she won't let her. She kneels on the bathrug, opens the cabinet, pulls out her first aid kit and finds a washcloth.

Maya leans on the counter, eyes unfocused, but she nods when Carina holds up 2 alcohol swabs. Standing between Maya's knees as she sits on the counter, Carina disinfects Maya's cuts, uses the washcloth to wipe the dirt from her face. 

"All done," she says, tossing the wrappers into the bin. Her hands go to Maya's waist, and she pulls them close, feels relief wash over her as Maya brings her hands to her neck, lays her head on her chest. 

"Thank you." Maya is muffled but she can hear can hear the fatigue in her voice. "For tonight. I know it's late—"

"Maya," Carina interrupts because it seems like Maya is about to apologize and she doesn't want that. 

"Never apologize for leaning on me okay?I'm here for you and you're here for me, that's how this works, right? "

Maya look up at her, and for the first time all night her eyes are clear. "Right."

Carina presses a kiss to her forehead, releases her so she can get ready to shower but Maya grabs her hand, pulls her back. She leans up, pulls Carina down with a hand at her neck and kisses her, licks into her mouth with urgency, almost presses herself into her.

Carina kisses her back. Kissing Maya is always wonderful but right now it feels like a recalibration, like they're back on stable ground and this time when she releases Maya her cheeks are flushed, her lips red.

They lean back in at the same time, kiss again and there's a voice saying that maybe they shouldn't but Maya was the one to instigate, and she is gazing at her reverently, like she is the only thing tethering her to this moment, to right now, so when she paws at her shirt with demanding hands Carina lifts her arms, lets Maya pull off her shirt, groans into Maya's mouth when a hand palms her breast.

They clumsily make their way to the shower, losing clothes on the way and it's a little uncoordinated because the shower is slippery but when Maya licks a trail down her chest, any lingering doubts dissipate. Maya kisses her way down her body, sucks a bruise into her thigh and only after Carina has shuddered against her mouth does she stand back up and let her kiss her.

She is pliant in Carina's hands, bites her lips to muffle her keening. Carina's hand between her legs is gentle, and she doesn't speed up her movements, even as Maya bucks her hips, urges her on. She comes with a whimper, exhales wetly on Carina's shoulder, buries her face into her neck and doesn't move and Carina doesn't make her, just holds her up.

————

After, when they are both dressed and getting ready for bed, Carina sees the red notification light on her phone and unplugs it from the charger.

The clock flashes up at her, 2:44 am. She has 8 new messages and 3 are from Andy.

_'Hey, Carina. This is weird but is Maya with you?'_

_'We just came off a really tough shift, and Maya's brother was there, I'm sure you know all about it but she just took off and she won't return my calls.'_

_'She usually goes for a run but it's been hours and she really didn't look too good I really hope she's with you.'_

She replies, tells Andy that Maya is safe and sound with her and Andy must have been waiting up because she texts back immediately, sends her,

_'Thank god I was freaking out a little bit._

and then

_I'm really glad she has you._

And minute later, _hope you two get some rest, goodnight._

Carina sends her a quick goodnight back, just as Maya walks in from the bathroom and slides under the covers. She likes to pretends she isn't a cuddler but tonight she draws Carina to her, tucks her head under Carina's chin, tangles their legs together.

Carina presses a kiss into her hair, matches her breathing to Maya's until Maya's breaths even out into sleep.

It's still dark and in less than 5 hours she will have to wake up for work but she can't stop going over everything she has learned about Maya tonight.  
  
Maya's childhood, it sounds stifling and while Carina's father wasn't very engaged, he wasn't a tyrant either. If anything he was dissmisive, lax in his handling of her and as a child she wanted structure, wanted to come home and know that dinner would be ready or that the kitchen wouldn't be torn apart, subject to one of his projects. It seems she Maya grew up at severe opposites. 

Maya stirs, frowns in her sleep and Carina noses into her hair until she stills again.

Carina has never felt this strongly about someone, and she knew she was in trouble, all those weeks ago. But Maya, with her contradictions and jagged edges, Carina wants to be the one to keep her together.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	6. strain

Front desk duty is usually Maya's least favorite part of her job but since the call on Friday everyone's been extra nice, giving her all these sympathetic looks and it's irksome so for maybe first time ever, she's actually glad to be answering the phones.

Vic and Travis tried to pull her into a conversation earlier but she walked out before it could get mushy and Warren cornered her, told her all these medical facts about addiction but all the information actually terrified her, even though she didn't show it. Maya knows everyone's just trying to help but she doesn't really want to talk about Mason because she can't get past her guilt. 

Maya has seen horrors, responded to countless emergencies. That's a part of her job. But he's her little brother and it’s different when it’s someone you love.

She hasn't actually spoken about it with anyone but than Andy and Carina and right now she's just trying to focus on work.

She's not succeeding.

It was busy at the beginning of the hour but it's been silent for the past 40 minutes. She got so bored she rearranged all the stationary by color and organized the files alphabetically but none of the distractions are working. The silence is making Maya's mind run wild.

It's been days and she can't stop thinking about Friday. Showing up at Carina's that night had been completely unplanned. She had gotten in her car and thought of home and her body had just brought her to Carina. 

The panic attack keeps playing on a loop in her head because she hasn't had one in years, not since she graduated from the fire academy and it's bad enough that it even happened because she thought she had outgrown it, but the fact that it was in front of Carina makes her feel shame, hot and pulsing in her chest. She keeps waiting for the text, for Carina to tell her that it's all too much, that _she's_ too much and she doesn't want to be together anymore.

It's what Maya would do, if she was in her position. She doesn't do this, the relationship thing, but she has been, for months now, and she keeps expecting to wake up from it all, to one day look at Carina and not feel any adoration and desire but it never happens. It's still overwhelming, but she doesn't hate it, has stopped fighting against her own feelings because Carina is good and everything is better when she's around and that has to mean something.

Carina is the most beautiful woman Maya has ever seen but it's more than physical. Maya has always been good at sex, sex is easy but with Carina it's deeper than that. It's one of the first times she's ever had an emotional connection with her partner and she's had skilled lovers in the past but maybe there's something to be said for repeat performances because sex with someone she actually cares about is phenomenal.

Being with Carina doesn't feel like something she has to endure. It's wonderful and exciting even when they're just lazing about, doing their own things on their rare days off. She likes catching tiny moments, the quiet mornings where they get ready together before they each go their own way. She likes coming home to find Carina in her room, sprawled out on her bed and asking her in a sleepy voice how work was, likes all the other little pockets of happiness Carina suffuses into her life without even trying. 

Usually, the more she gets to know people, the less she wants them to stick around but when Carina isn't around Maya misses her, thinks of her, of how what she's doing, and when she'll be back.

Maya thinks back to late September, when Andy had crashed their date after a fight with Tanner and Carina had just invited her to eat with them, listened to Andy rant which was no small feat because she had gone on for almost 2 hours, but Carina just let her talk, and even let her have the last of the lasagne she'd made.

And maybe Maya had melted a little bit all the way back then because Carina is thoughtful and brilliant but also unexpectedly goofy, makes silly jokes and Maya can always pick out her laugh in a room. Maya is ambitous and not always the most agreeable but with Carina she tries, more than she has ever wanted to and she doesn't hate it.

But when she thinks back to Friday, frustration builds in her chest and she can't move past it. That night was the most open Maya has ever been with anyone and she can't stop thinking about how gentle Carina was with her, how she just knew what to say without judgement or condescension.

Carina makes Maya feel _safe_ like she doesn't have to put up a front but she's so out of her element with all of it. Carina just tells Maya things, gives her parts of herself like she trusts Maya to care for her and Maya wants to extend her the same grace but the thought of continuously trusting someone, displaying that much vulnerability? It _terrifies_ her.

Those are the main reasons Maya has been accidentally-on-purpose, ignoring Carina.

Just a little bit.

She left before the sun was up, the night after, sent off a quick text about work and it was true but Carina called her that night and she didn't answer. She sent a few texts as well but they too, went answered. Maya's not proud of it but, it's what she knows how to do. Running is her go to, figuratively and literally and when it comes to emotions, she's a world class sprinter. As much as she wants things between her and Carina to work, old habits are hard to break. 

The phone rings, pulls her out of her thoughts, and she hurries to answer it. It's some man asking if they sell smoke detectors and even after Maya has told him no and given them the addresses to several hardware stores, he still insists on keeping her on the phone.

She's on autopilot at this point, answering his questions with flat yeses and nos when the front door swishes open.

Maya has never been more thankful for a walk-in and but she almost drops the phone when she looks up.

Mason _._

Her brother is standing in the middle of the lobby, eyes narrowed, scanning the room suspiciously. Maya cuts the man on the phone off, slams down the receiver. 

Mason turns towards the sound and when he notices her, his frown deepens.

It's not the warm welcome she would prefer but Mason walking into her job in the middle of the day isn't what she was expecting so she'll take it.

"Mason, hi," Maya says, standing up. She isn't sure if she should round the table to meet him but he hasn't come any closer to the front desk so she doesn't move either.

"Hey." Mason says, digging his hands in his pockets.

"What are you doing here, is everything okay?" She gives him a quick once over, tries not to be obvious but when she looks back up he's staring at her, and she knows she's been caught.

"I remembered your station from the fire."

"You did?"

"It was 3 days ago," Mason crosses his arms. 

Maya doesn't say that when she saw him 3 days ago he was high as hell, barely keeping himself upright. She just nods.

"Right. Are you okay? I know they're putting residents up at the Inn for now but did you need anything? I can-"

"I don't need anything from you." Mason spits out. 

"I wasn't— I'm just trying to help, Mason."

"Now? After all these years? What, the Olympic shine finally went away, now you gotta pick up strays to feel special again?"

It stings, and Maya hardens herself against reacting. He isn't wrong, she hasn't reached out in years, and their last conversation went no where. She's never stopped thinking of him but that doesn't actually mean anything without action, she knows. 

Mason watches her, an unreadable expression on his face and Maya fights the urge to look away, meets his gaze evenly. He's always been able to read her, right from when they were kids and nothing seems to have changed.

"I'm sorry, Mason." Maya says, tucks her hands inside her pockets to hide the fact that they're trembling.

"Keep it. Look, I just came here to tell you that what you saw on Friday, that wasn't who I am. I was clean, okay? Had been for almost a year."

"That's great, Mason." Maya says. "But on Friday you-"

"I fucked up. Yeah. And somehow I was unlucky enough to have you witness that but I'm back now, and that's not happening again."

"You're going to meetings? NA?"

Mason rolls his eyes, scoffs. "Of course you'd think a 12 step program is the only one that could help."

"I'm just-'"

"-trying to help, I know."

There's a tense silence and Maya looks away, unsure what to say next.

"This was a mistake. I should go." Mason turns to leave and Maya doesn't think, just follows him.

"Mason, wait. Please?" She takes off her hand from his shoulder before he can ask her to but doesn't move away. "Have lunch with me. Or just coffee, whatever you want just, _please_." 

He gives her a measuring look, only glancing away when the phone rings. Maya doesn't move to get it.

"Your phone's ringing," Mason says and Maya shrugs.

"They'll call back. This is more important."

Mason sighs, stares at her warily. "Fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But I'm only free tomorrow morning."

"That works. How's 7?"

"Okay, whatever. Here," he holds out his phone and she stares at it dumbly for a second before understanding what he wants.

"I'll text you," Mason says, after she's finished adding her number.

He's gone before she can say anything else and Maya stares after him, lost in memories and stunned at their entire interaction.  
  
———

Mason doesn't text until half past ten at night. 

Maya's shift has just ended and she's about to make her way home when her phone vibrates.

She fishes it out of her pocket, almost drops it in her rush and swipes at the notification. 

[ _its mason]_

She revises her message 3 times then just goes with a [ _Hey]_

[ _we can meet at sweeny's on 3rd ave it's the easiest to get to from where i am]_

[ _Sure, is 7 still good?]_

[ _K.]_

[ _See you then. Goodnight Mason.]_

He doesn't respond but she doesn't need him to. He's agreed to meet her and that's all that matters.

* * *

Maya has been waiting for 52 minutes.

She got to the diner early because she was nervous, sat in her car until 6:58. Mason hadn't turned up yet but that was okay. It's been almost an hour since then though, and there has been no call or text or anything.

She resists the urge to pick up her phone and check because the sound is on and any incoming calls or messages would ping.

Maya waits 15 more minutes, smiles polieitly at the waitress who asks if she wants to go ahead and order and refills her coffee when she shakes her head. 

Another 15 minutes. 

She pushes away thoughts of what's clearly happening, decides to give him 5 more minutes.

She's so past late, later than she has ever been so she might as well. She still needs to drive to work which is on the other side of town and with the morning traffic, that will be another half hour.

The front door chimes, opens. It's a bunch of teenagers, not her brother. 

Maya's disappointed but she shoves it down, decides she's more angry instead.

It was probably his plan the whole time, standing her up. He obviously needed more time but she pushed and now she's sitting in a diner alone and rejected. It's her own fault. She let herself get caught up in nostalgia and hope and if she hadn't she would have seen that he wants nothing to do with her in the first place. She taps her passcode into her phone and pulls up his number. For a second she stares at their texts, considers sending him a message but then she looks at the time and locks her phone.

Work.

She needs to get to work, focus on people who actually want and need her help.  
  
———

The crew is coming back from a call when Maya enters and she's annoyed at the entire morning so, when Vic jokes about her 'late night with Carina,' she snaps at her.

Brings up how Vic's been late herself; twice last week and that maybe she should focus on herself, for once. It's uncalled for and unfair. She knows Vic broke up with Ripley less than a week ago, their little romance ending in a whimper. Afterall, it was Maya's couch that Vic slept on for 2 nights and her ice cream that Vic ate by the gallon.  
  
Vic doesn't reply, just looks at her and everyone else is giving her disappointed looks.

They all give her space, and Vic won't speak to her. Maya feels bad but she's also proud and her aggravation from this morning wins out, carries over.

The klaxon blares just as she's tasked to wipe down the truck and they all jump to the call. The fire is raging, the abandoned building burning from multiple ends and it takes a while to get under control. 

Maya gets stuck on clean-up, after. It hasn't been a great day and she's distracted, stuck in her head. A loose plank of wood falls from a ledge and she only notices it at the last second, jerks back to avoid it but trips on some wire behind her. She lands on her wrist and hits her head, too.

It hurts like hell but she doesn't show it, keeps working until everything is cleaned up. It's only when Miller brushes up against her arm accidentally that she makes a face and is found out.

Her wrist is red and swollen and yes, it looks a little bad but she's had worse. Andy is overreacting. It doesn't go well, telling her that and Andy tells her to get her wrist checked out or not to come back to work and then adds that she'll stay over at her dad's tonight.

It's quiet and awkward in the back of the aid car. Vic hands her ice wordlessly and doesn't meet her eyes but when they go over a bump and Maya winces, she radios Jack to be more careful driving.

It makes Maya feel even worse for her attitude earlier and she tries to apologize then, but Vic just turns away and pretends to read the labels on the meds in the back.

Maya doesn't try again.

The hospital is busy when they arrive, a four car pile up taking up almost all of the staff. Vic informs the first nurse she sees about her fall and Dr. Shepherd is paged. She orders a CT and Maya's sent upstairs to her immense annoyance. She has to wait for ortho and when she's finally seen by the doctor, his overly friendly demeanor grates on her nerves.

"This looks like a minor sprain but let's get some scans to be sure. Looks like you've been putting some pressure on it," Dr Lehman says, mildly disapproving. 

Maya doesn't bother with a reply, just hands her wrist over and glares.

He passes her to a nurse and then she's taken down to radiology to get an x-ray. As she waits for the doctor to come back, she considers texting Carina because she literally works here and they might bump into each other and it might be weird not to give her a heads up, Maya thinks. She opens the thread, types [ _Hi]_ then erases it.

"Just a grade one sprain," the doctor says, as he enters the room. "No torn ligaments but you need to rest it. I recommend the RICE treatment. Are you familiar?"

"Yes."

He goes over it anyway, probably to avoid being sued and then tells her to take ibuprofen if the pain isnt gone in a few hours. He leaves with a reminder to stay and wait for Neuro. 

Maya sits, bored and ansty. She's reading the poster for how to properly wash your hands for the 20th time when the door opens.

Finally.

She expects to see Amelia or a resident but it's Carina. She's smiling, not what Maya expected after a weekend of silence.

"I saw Vic in the hallway, she told me you were in here. Are you okay?" Carina closes the door behind her, kisses her cheek even though it's dirty and squints down at her arm.

"I'm fine."

Carina brushes some dirt away from her face, traces around her wrist lightly. She smells like how she always does, fresh and expensive and something else, maybe vanilla. Carina is a calm presence by Maya's side and she wants to lean into her, take a moment, but Maya's head has started throbbing and she's still a little unsure so, she stays where she is.

"Your head," Carina lifts her face up with two fingers at her chin, "what happened?"

"I slipped. It's no big deal."

Carina doesn't hear the warning in her voice, or maybe she does but ascribes it to Maya's injuries. Either way, she goes on.

"I am almost done here. If you like I can come over, make dinner? I'm on call but-"

"You don't have to do that."

This time Carina hears it. She blinks down at Maya, confused. "I know. I want to, you're hurt."

Maybe it's the pain. Maybe it's the fact that she made a really stupid mistake and will most likely be benched for the next few days. Maybe it's the delayed embarrassment she feels from her freakout on Friday, her irritation at her brother, at the whole day, tangling together and spilling over. It doesn't matter. Maya is riled up and if she was to take a moment, she might sense that there's something beneath that anger but she doesn't, she never does.

"I told you, I'm _fine_ ," Maya hisses.

Carina is stroking her palm lightly, this tender thing she does sometimes, but at that, her finger in Maya's hand goes still.

"Just because I was weak on Friday doesn't mean I can't take care of myself now. You don't need to fucking hover."

Carina's face drops. Her eyes go wide in shock, and in a second she's taken a step back from Maya. Maya's a little bit surprised at herself too, she just reached for what was there, lashed out without thinking. Carina is staring at her, mouth drawn. She looks hurt as she folds her arms across her chest.

"I know you can take care of yourself," Carina says evenly, and her face might as well be made from stone, the way she's looking at Maya now.

Her tone is icy and Maya thinks maybe she knows a thing or too about red-hot rage herself. She looks like she might say more but the door opens and Amelia walks in.

"Your charts..." Amelia stops talking, looks between them. The tension in the room is palpable. 

"Did I... I could come back?" Amelia puts a hand on the doorknob.

"There is no need. We're all finished here." Carina says, and she rushes past Amelia without a second look at Maya.

Maya is halfway up from her chair but Carina is quick, out of the door in two strides and Maya sits back down. She doesn't even know what she would say. She's been dodging her all weekend so it's a longer conversation, anyway. Her heart pounds heavily in her chest, the discomfort and guilt a new sensation. 

"Everything okay?" Amelia asks, gently.

"Dandy." Maya points at the file in her hand. "Those my scans?"

"Uh, yep. You took a bit of a hit there but you're lucky, no concussion."

"Great. So I can go?"

"You should take it easy though, that bruise on your head looks rough."

"But I'm fine, medically?"

Amelia looks at her for a long moment, then nods. "You are."

"Okay. Thanks."

She leaves before Amelia can say anything else.

———

The TV is on, rare for a Tuesday night. Maya isn't a big TV watcher but the house was too quiet. She used to like the quiet, before Andy and most recently, Carina. All that empty silence when she got home just seemed a little lonely.

She called Carina earlier but the phone rang once and then was cut off. Carina is upset, understandably. Maya gets that, but everytime she goes to say something her mind blanks. She's had Carina's contact pulled up for 10 minutes now, looking at it uselessly. 

The doorbell rings before she can decide what to do.

"Andy is at her dad's," Maya says, opening the door just enough to see who it is. 

"I know," Jack says. "I'm actually here to see you."

"Why?"

"Because, I've been here a bunch these past few months and sometimes we even have fun, you and I. Some people would call that a friendship."

"Just because you keep Andy's bed warm doesn't mean we're friends."

"Yikes, already with the jabs." He holds up a 6pack. "You need this more than I thought."

"Go home, Jack."

"Come on. I stole these from Miller, so you know it's the good stuff. Besides, I'll just stand out here all night but it's cold as fuck and even you're not that mean."

"I should let you freeze your ass off," Maya says snidely, but her tone is blunted by her holding the door open.

———

Jack is surprisingly easy to talk to. He isn't Andy, there's no history there and she doesn't really care what he thinks but when he isn't annoying the hell out of her, he's okay. He's right, they have become sort of friends— not that she'll ever admit it. Plus he brought beer, expensive shit too, rich people know how to live.

"Y'know," Jack says when there's a lull in the conversation. "My family is complicated, too."

"Jack," Maya says, low. Anyone else would hear the danger but he ignores it.

"My parents died in a fire."

It's not what she expects and she doesn't know how to respond so she lets him talk.

He tells her about his little brother and sister, about group homes and looking out for himself and as he talks, Maya gets a new appreciation for why he is the way he is, what he's been through. 

"Andy never mentioned." Maya says, after Jack tells her about how he's thinking of looking for his siblings again.

"I only just told her."

"And you were going to get married? Sorry." Maya says, a second too late, forgetting herself.

Jack snorts. "No, you're right. That was... I don't even know, I'd wanted a family for so long and Andy and I were going strong so I just thought it was the thing to do. Marriage, kids, the family thing."

"What part of that sounded even remotely like Andy to you?"

"I know, it was fucked up. I got caught up in the moment."

"Huh. So what are you two doing now?" Maya puts her bottle on the table, lowers the TV.

Andy told her all about Jack, but as she put it they're 'figuring it out'. Maya thinks a situationship with an ex-fiance sounds complicated but she's also the one who can't even send a text to her girlfriend so what does she fucking know?

"Not that. We're in such a good place and I want to be with her but at whatever pace she wants." Jack says.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Look, I've been with her and I've been without her and I really like it when I'm with her."

Maya's mind goes to Carina, unbiddenly. She grabs the bottle, chugs the rest, tries not to think of Carina's face falling and how confused she was. Maya doesn't know why she's always getting in her own way.

"I think you like it when you're with Carina, too."

Maya glares at Jack." Don't think just 'cause I let you inside, you get a say in my life. Maybe get a handle on yours first."

"Ouch, sad Maya is _mean_."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You might trick everyone else but we're more alike than you think and I know that look. You're not mad you're sad."

"You don't know anything."

"Yeah? So you haven't beeen looking at your phone every 5 seconds? Andy texted so it can't be her you're waiting on, and Vic's still mad at you. It's not like we have any time to make other friends." Jack turns to her, and Maya looks away. "I saw Carina earlier too, at the hospital she didn't look too happy."

"So you just assume I did something?"

"Did you?"

Maya doesn't answer, watches the TV instead. It's a rerun, one of the Law and Orders. They're all walking around in oversized leather jackets. She watches the female detective chase perp for two scenes, thinking.

"I was rude. Earlier."

"What did you say?"

"Doesn't matter. I think it's over."

"Did she say that?"

"She didn't have to. I was awful, and I said something shitty and she looked... it doesn't matter."

Jack gives her a look. "So there's this thing. It's not new, lots of people are doing it, maybe you've heard of it?"

"What-"

"It's called an apology."

"Seriously, Jack?"

"Seriously, Maya."

The door opens before they can continue and Maya can tell Jack he isn't funny.

"My dad's new condo has paper thin walls and he snores— he's like a semi, I swear. I need to sleep so I don't care if you're still mad I'm staying. This is technically my place too." Andy's ranting stops when she sees them and she drops her gym bag on the floor.

"You actually came over?" She says, grabbing a beer from the table. "You're stronger than most."

"Um, hi?"

"Hi Maya. Have you cooled off or are you still throwing a tantrum?"

Maya bristles at that, but decides to let it pass. She _was_ being a jerk that has been pretty clearly established. "I'm good. And sorry, about earlier."

"Apology accepted."

"See how easy that was?" Jack nudges her and she elbows him hard in the ribs, grins when he lets out a pained noise.

"What are we talking about?"

"Carina, and how Maya fucked up this afternoon."

_"Hey."_

Andy snorts. "Did you?"

"....yes."

Andy steps around Jack, settles into the space between him and Maya.

"Okay, tell me."

And even though she doesn't really want to have this conversation, (again) Maya tells her. She even mentions ignoring Carina from before but conveniently leaves out her panic attack.

"That's it?" Andy sounds fondly exasperated. "I mean yeah, it isn't great, but you really don't know how to do this do you?"

"No, she really doesn't, she would have probably stewed all night," Jack says.

"Don’t be mean to her.” Andy chides, smacking him.

“I’m just saying, everyone knows this. First fight, you apologize. Immediately."

"He's right," Andy says. "Especially if it's your fault, you don't let it get bigger. Maya, just say sorry."

Maya sighs, "I'm so bad at apologies though."

"That's because you never apologize." Jack says with a shrug. "You just end it or let them end it and move on."

He's right. She's never stuck around long enough to have an actual fight, she just cuts off whoever she's sleeping with when they start getting clingy or need more from her. Relationships are so much work and this is exactly why she never wanted to be in one. Well, before Carina.

"So you're not the best at apologizing, let this be practice. You were embarrassed and angry and you reacted badly. Talk to her."

"I already called and she didn't pick up."

"Just the once? Did you text?"

"No."

"You should get on that," Jack adds, unhelpfully.

"Calling is better," Andy insists.

They go back and forth and Maya leaves them, enters the kitchen. She hasn't eaten since she came home from work, taking a nap once she came in and then watching TV.

The fridge is mostly empty, a packaged salad and leftover thai takeout the only thing that look remotely inviting. She grabs the container and when it passes the smell test, dumps it into a bowl to eat cold.

Walking back to the living room, she plops down into the loveseat across from Jack and Andy.

"Is there more?" Jack nods at her bowl.

"Nope."

"I'm going to seamless some Chinese," Andy offers and Maya nods too, because her noodles are tasting a little sour.   
  
Jack tosses a bottle cap at her. "Are you going to talk to Carina or are you going to chicken out?"

"Fuck off," Maya suggests, but it's without heat.

"You should though, don't let it become a thing." Andy leans into Jack, wraps his arm around herself.

"I will, can we talk about something else?" Maya's had about enough of emotions and feelings for a month.

Jack grabs the remote and pulls up Netflix. "Any suggestions?"

"Action."

"Anything but action."

"Two against one, Andy," Jack says and Andy groans.

"It _really_ sucks that you two are friends now."

———

It's late when Maya finally calls Carina. It goes straight to voicemail but she remembers that Carina is on call and hopes that her phone's just turned off.

She considers going for a run but her hand hurts so she just goes to bed instead, tosses and turns.

She grabs her phone when after half an hour she still can't sleep, finally texts Carina. 

[ _I was an ass.]_

Maya sends that, then adds. [ _I'm sorry.]_

She watches the phone for few minutes then feels pathetic and puts it face down, on her nightstand. Turning the lights off, Maya tries to sleep.

It's still dark out when Maya wakes at 4:30 for her run but she sees the glow from her phone and grabs it. 

[ _Yes, you were a huge ass.]_

That's all, nothing else, and it was sent 3 hours ago.

She dresses for her run, goes and comes back and still, nothing. She gets ready for work but instead of heading in early she makes a stop at Bellasario's the only bakery that gets pastries right, according to Carina. They're still opening up but she's there often enough that the owner recognizes her, asks where her girlfriend is.

"At work," Maya says.

Gia talks a lot, about her bad hip, the weather, her grandkids. Maya indulges her small talk as she waits for Gia to pack up croissants and cut up a slice of her breakfast torte. She's paid and ready to leave when Gia passes her a brown bag. They're the house special, her bomboloni. Carina gets them everytime and Maya isn't really one for sweet things but even she likes them. Gia doesn't let Maya pay, just waves her off.

Maya leaves a huge tip in the jar anyway.

There are only a few cars on the road and she gets to Grey Sloan in record time, parks and heads in.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yes, i used that trope but they did it first. it's just so fun. & am i the only one who actually likes jack and maya as friends?? i liked their sarcastic/frenemy dynamic so much before they went and did... that. 
> 
> also, ill use some plots form the show but just in different ways so if you recognize stuff that's why. i just wished the writers went about mayas(and carina's ig) season 3 arc differently so i figured why not do it myself?but like a whole rehaul.... brought to you by being inside for x amount of days.


End file.
